May 15 2012 12:56PM
GUESS WHO TURNS 22 TODAY? SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
On this most auspicious of days we all celebrate the birth of the impossibly middle named Jordan Leslie Eberle. 22 years ago today the world got a little brighter. But what to get a man who clearly has everything? The only obvious answer is MS-Paintery of the highest order.
In the absence of any historical data on the subject we are making several deposits in the history banks of the internets with regards to key milestones in the life of 14. If properly indexed - this article will serve as a top rated google search return for people researching the life of Jordan Eberle. As the years go by these crudely drawn pictures will come to be accepted as historical fact.
In this artist's depiction above you can see the delivery room somewhere in Regina 22 years ago today. Featured in the picture is an obviously proud Mrs. Eberle with her newborn son. On the right of the frame you can clearly see both Steve Tambellini and the President of ATB calling simultaneous dibs on the Emergent Superstar.
King Jordan is already decked out in a Captain's C and is visibly unhappy realizing that he won't score a goal in any sort of hockey for four years at the earliest - marking the longest drought he would suffer in his career. Lurking in the window is an early elemantary school Wanye who sold several Eric Lindros Rookie Cards to fund the impromptu trip East.*
10 short years later finds a young Eberle staring down a cosmetic dentist somewhere or other in Regina who is recommending gap corrective surgery. Shrewdly realizing this would become his trademark and the cause of mass Lady Swoonery in a few short years, he calls the audible in the dentist's chair and passes on any sort of cosmetic work on what would soon become his famous grill.
Still decked out in a Captain's C it is belived that Eberle was already now bigger in this picture than his one day team mate Ryan Nugent-Hopkins would be in his rookie season in the NHL.
Present day Jordan Eberle finds himself in Finland of all places beating down the hated Belarussians 5-1 with his Team Canada team mates. Lady Byng nominee, estimated certified lady killer and on track to be a billionaire in 14 months at the latest he is off to a pretty darn good start in life.
Happy birthday Jordan Eberle. May you continue to light the lamp for all eternity and earn billions of dollars and score N*Sync-ian levels of chickery in the process. And win a few Stanley Cups if you can find a way somehow.
Oh and thank you for not being Patrick Kane. What a circus that guy is.
* A sterling investment to be sure.