HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN EBERLE

Wanye
May 15 2012 12:56PM

 

GUESS WHO TURNS 22 TODAY? SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

On this most auspicious of days we all celebrate the birth of the impossibly middle named Jordan Leslie Eberle. 22 years ago today the world got a little brighter. But what to get a man who clearly has everything? The only obvious answer is MS-Paintery of the highest order.

In the absence of any historical data on the subject we are making several deposits in the history banks of the internets with regards to key milestones in the life of 14. If properly indexed - this article will serve as a top rated google search return for people researching the life of Jordan Eberle. As the years go by these crudely drawn pictures will come to be accepted as historical fact.

You're welcome.

In this artist's depiction above you can see the delivery room somewhere in Regina 22 years ago today. Featured in the picture is an obviously proud Mrs. Eberle with her newborn son. On the right of the frame you can clearly see both Steve Tambellini and the President of ATB calling simultaneous dibs on the Emergent Superstar.

King Jordan is already decked out in a Captain's C and is visibly unhappy realizing that he won't score a goal in any sort of hockey for four years at the earliest - marking the longest drought he would suffer in his career. Lurking in the window is an early elemantary school Wanye who sold several Eric Lindros Rookie Cards to fund the impromptu trip East.*

10 short years later finds a young Eberle staring down a cosmetic dentist somewhere or other in Regina who is recommending gap corrective surgery. Shrewdly realizing this would become his trademark and the cause of mass Lady Swoonery in a few short years, he calls the audible in the dentist's chair and passes on any sort of cosmetic work on what would soon become his famous grill.

Still decked out in a Captain's C it is belived that Eberle was already now bigger in this picture than his one day team mate Ryan Nugent-Hopkins would be in his rookie season in the NHL.

Present day Jordan Eberle finds himself in Finland of all places beating down the hated Belarussians 5-1 with his Team Canada team mates. Lady Byng nominee, estimated certified lady killer and on track to be a billionaire in 14 months at the latest he is off to a pretty darn good start in life.

IN CONCLUSION

Happy birthday Jordan Eberle. May you continue to light the lamp for all eternity and earn billions of dollars and score N*Sync-ian levels of chickery in the process. And win a few Stanley Cups if you can find a way somehow.

Oh and thank you for not being Patrick Kane. What a circus that guy is.

* A sterling investment to be sure.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Wax Man Riley
May 15 2012, 12:58PM
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Happy Birthday!!!!

EBRSQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

FISTSQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

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#2 Stocc
May 15 2012, 01:40PM
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My two year old son is named Jordan. Anyone care to guess why?

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#3 ItsTheBGB
May 15 2012, 03:51PM
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I give this post a 14/14.

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#4 David S
May 15 2012, 01:57PM
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I'm using a PC at work for the first time in I don't know how long. It sucks compared to my beloved MAC. *spits*

But now that I see how awesome MS Paint is in the hands of a true master I am very tempted to open that godforsaken program and try it for myself.

*Stares at START button. Ponders the agony of learning another MS program. Remember's Wanye's Paint pictures. Goes for it.*

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#5 Soft Hands McSteeley - FIST Movement
May 15 2012, 02:44PM
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@Wanye

Hmmmm sounds like its time for an MS Paint competition! Screw all you photoshop hardcores, we be kickin it old sckool at The Nation!

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#6 Jonathan Willis
May 15 2012, 01:26PM
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I remain in awe of Wanye's MS Paint skills.

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#7 OvenChicken8
May 15 2012, 01:06PM
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I think young Eberle deserves a birthday gift greater than any other gift. A phone call from Horcoff explaining why there is a "C" in his birthday card.

Captainberle

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#9 Senator Theo
May 15 2012, 04:55PM
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Even though she just gave birth, Ebs' mom looks hot in that picture.

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#10 geoilersgist
May 15 2012, 01:17PM
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EBERSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#11 DJ Dynasty Handbag
May 15 2012, 01:36PM
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i'm so excited for Sir Jordan of Eberle's Bday i think i just SQUEEEEED my pants!

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#12 The Towel Boy
May 15 2012, 04:02PM
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Eberlasting love for The One Who Causes All To Squee!

*downs beer*

*at work*

*like a boss*

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#13 Lowetide
May 15 2012, 06:38PM
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How in h-e-double-hockey-sticks did you get the gap perfect? WOW!

Well done, sir! And happy birthday, Jordan Eberle.

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#14 book¡e
May 15 2012, 09:40PM
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Stocc wrote:

My two year old son is named Jordan. Anyone care to guess why?

Does your wife have a thing for a guy named Jordan?

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#15 RexLibris
May 15 2012, 01:01PM
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Awesome article, Dear Leader.

And some very Michaelangel-esque artwork there.

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#16 borisnikov
May 15 2012, 02:21PM
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A pulitzer prize would be in order for this fine piece of journalism. The efforts made to bring this story to the world are nothing short of monumental. I would venture to say the results could be considered biblical. #realtalk

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#17 baggedmilk
May 15 2012, 02:34PM
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This is my favourite post you've done in the history of Oilers Nation.

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#18 michael
May 15 2012, 02:50PM
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If I was @Reg Dunlop I would be moaning about how we wasted another year of Jordan Eberle's ELC. Thank God I am not. Happy Birthday Jordan and just you to know there is absolutely lots of pressure for you to get the game winning SO goal in the WHC final. Just you to know.We expect nothing less from Captain Canada Jr.

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#19 vetinari
May 15 2012, 02:58PM
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Happy Birthday Jordan! Or is it... Happy BirthSQUEEEEEEDday!

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#20 Next up, is Connor McJesus.
May 15 2012, 05:07PM
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Everyone's wearing the same shade of lipstick, and has the same color eyes.

..are they all a bunch of banjo pickin inbreds! Does the mother know which of those two sharp dressed men is the father, is that Gregor on the right?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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#21 ubermiguel
May 15 2012, 05:55PM
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This is the kind of hard-hitting no-holds-barred fake-journalism that keeps me coming back to the Nation.

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#22 David S
May 15 2012, 07:06PM
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The sweet MS Paint drawings are even funnier if you're ever met Wanye. I have and I laugh my ass off every time he throws one of those beauties up.

#DoesNotCompute

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#23 DrDave
May 15 2012, 08:29PM
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David S wrote:

The sweet MS Paint drawings are even funnier if you're ever met Wanye. I have and I laugh my ass off every time he throws one of those beauties up.

#DoesNotCompute

I've never met Wanye but I picture him as a mixture between Jessie from Breaking Bad (a hard core thug with a heart of gold) and Uncle Jessie from Full House (see explanation above)...

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#24 BUCK75
May 15 2012, 09:15PM
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Your MS paint talents have come A LONG WAY from the "conceptual arena", "Tom Gilbert Goat", "David Staples - Goliath". I hope to see more & a contest.

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#25 majin_oil
May 15 2012, 09:33PM
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Awesome! that is all

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#26 David S
May 15 2012, 11:00PM
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BUCK75 wrote:

Your MS paint talents have come A LONG WAY from the "conceptual arena", "Tom Gilbert Goat", "David Staples - Goliath". I hope to see more & a contest.

I heard "Conceptual Arena" is now in the Louvre. And some dude paid ridiculous coin for an original signed "Tom Gilbert Goat" at Comic Con last year.*

*May not be 100% accurate.

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#27 Max Powers - Team HME Evans
May 15 2012, 11:36PM
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This article is killer and the comments are just as good. I lol'd at Menacer comment.

Edit: ON should recognize this as an official holiday in the future.

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#28 Used Rugs
May 16 2012, 12:02AM
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I, too, am intrigued at the mention of one "mspaint contest".

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#29 Reg Dunlop
May 16 2012, 12:17AM
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Eberle is 22 already? Here we are still years to go before we can compete with nothing on the horizon but a lazy, no-backchecking, hard-to-get-along-with communist 1st round draft... for sure Eberle will bolt for NY as soon as his entry level deal is up... I just know the sky is falling.

That was especially for my oil-brother michael; just like Ebs(happy Birthday btw) I don't disappoint. Thankyou good sir Wanye for this, the first photographs of Ebs as a baby that I've seen. What? Those were not photos?

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#30 Travis Dakin
May 16 2012, 12:23AM
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This reminds me of the Justice League days.

To any of the newer folks, do yourself a favour and spend some time going through the archives of this place. What a gauntlet of emotions.

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#31 itchio
May 16 2012, 08:22AM
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My son was born the day Ebs was drafted. I split time between the delivery room and the waiting room so I could see both life changing events in the same day. My girlfriend wasnt too impressed....but sacrifices must be made for the almighty Oil.

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#33 BUCK75
May 16 2012, 01:41PM
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David S wrote:

I heard "Conceptual Arena" is now in the Louvre. And some dude paid ridiculous coin for an original signed "Tom Gilbert Goat" at Comic Con last year.*

*May not be 100% accurate.

I like the David Staples painting the best. From the David S vs David Staples article.

~Hey David Staples~

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#34 I'm Batman
May 16 2012, 09:07PM
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Eberle is so good, that he can even shoot left if he wants. (See Wanye's last drawing.)

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