GDB 04: THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
January 26 2013 12:11PM

We have a little tradition here at the Nation Network. They who win the Battle of Alberta writes the next GDB on both sites. So buckle up Flames Fans because you are going to get it and we are going to give it to you.

For far too long Edmontonians and Calgarians have battled back and forth with the same old witty jabs and name calling.  Calgary has one Cup - a bra has two. Edmonton has no running water or intelligence of any sort. You have the Stampede, we have a free hot dog lunch in the parking lot of Bonnie Doon shopping mall. Yeah, yeah yeah. We get it.

This time around we are dispensing with the usual insults and getting to the heart of the matter of what is really wrong with you Calgary.

THIS IS US - THIS IS YOU

Oooooh. We get it Calgary. You are the rich neighbours to the South with all of your money and power and fancy high rise buildings. Everyone understands that at some point in the mid 90s all of our businesses picked up and moved down Highway 2. Well guess what? We were like 8 years old when that happened. Didn't care then - didn't care now.

Frankly you did us a favour Calgary. We will never figure out how jedi mind tricked the bulk of our corporate douchebags to pack up their drycleaned belongings and move three hours away but we thank you.

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

Good riddance.

US v YOU

Speaking of Flames fans where have they gone? We seem to remember a whole mess of people filing into your Red Mile during your ill fated Cup run. People all over the were quick to cheer for "KIPPPPPERRRRRRRR" and "IGGGGGYYY" and Company. And yet nowdays there don't seem to be nearly as many people up repping the flaming C.

That's probably because the bulk of people following aren't really Flames fans. They are sports consumers. When the milk is fresh you are all happy to have a glass. When the milk goes sour - no one will come within a hundred miles.

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it. Doesn't matter if the Oilers finish in last place every year until the end of time. Oilers fans are in the business of living and dying with the team. Anyone with any hockey sense at all would have abandoned this team years ago and yet here we are millions strong all around the world.

And luckily the Oil are on the verge of being awesome. While Calgary is going to gently float down to the bottom of the league until your 33 NTCs expire in 2035.

STILL US STILL YOU

Looking at your roster - who is there even to get excited about?! Iginla in the prime of the twilight of his fine career? Pfft. Steve Begin? Jiri Hudler? Who the hell are any of these old bastards anyway? There is literally not a single player on your entire roster that we could possibly get excited about. Anyone skilled is old. Anyone young is marginal. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

We remember when we were trying to convince ourselves that players like Roman Cervenka were going to be the answer. Our Cervenka had names like Cole and O'Sullivan. We hoped and prayed late into the night that they could find something deep down within themselves and become awesome. And guess what - it didn't work.

It never works. Your roster was built around a core and that core expired about 4 years ago. Now you are like the guy who went all in on a 5-3 offsuit with a hunch "things were going to look better after the flop." Well the flop came up all Kings and now you have nothing left to do but play out your hand.

And lose.

Losers.

AND SO IN CLOSING

There is literally nothing you can do to win this battle Flames fans. Even if the Oilers lose (and they may) they are still the far superior team and we both know it. Even if the Flames win by 10 goals it will be no more satisfying than being given a free shrimp cocktail at a banquet on the Titanic. You are headed to the bottom and everyone on board is starting to sense disaster.

And there isn't an insult in the book you can lob our way that will have any impact. Yes we are  your hillbilly cousins up Highway 2. We are eternal optimists who have had a crap team and lacked the brain stem or the reality check to realize it. Now after being rewarded for coming in last for so long we have an embarassment of riches for a lineup and 18 year old Russian superstars sliding all over while we lose our drunken minds in celebration.

Its all happening up here and nothing is happening down there and you would be madder except that most of your bandwagon jumping fans have left long ago. Perhaps we should lend you the terms "ELPH" and "Shitanusly bad hockey." They got us through some dark days.

Oh and it's Wayne Gretzky's birthday today. Remember him?

GAME DAY PREDICTION: This is as easy to predict as getting some drunk Calgary tramp girl to flash her boobs during the only Cup run Calgarians will witness in the next two decades...Oilers win 5-2.

OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: One thing Flames and Oiler fans can agree on is it is great not having Mark Lee call the game on HNIC. Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly reffing the game. They are as blind as the guys who thought every Calgary tramp girl who flashed on the red mile was hot.

NOT-SO-OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: During the second period one of the mics at ice level picks up the audio from a conversation between Jarome Iginla and Jordan Eberle.

"Hey Ebs, tell Tambo I'd gladly waive my non-trade clause and come play with you guys." Eberle smiles and replies, "You betcha, but I hope you are okay playing on the 2nd line." Iginla smiles, "No problem, at least I'd have a chance to make the playoffs again." Within moment the Nations blow up with talk of a possible trade. Flames fans start calling him "Judas", while Oiler fans calmly sit back knowing that Iginla speaks the truth.

Thanks to Gregor for giving me his Game Day Predictions

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 01:13PM
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Thanks Wanye, that was the funniest post I have ever read at this site.

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#52 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 01:19PM
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Only a flames fan would say that fisting is stupid. On this site it is a requirement!

Edit: And there is nothing wrong with groping teen girls (if your not married- oilers fans have some morals) - just keep your hands off my livestock flames fans :(

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#53 mouthbreather
January 26 2013, 01:37PM
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Suck it Flames, suck it!

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#54 Quinn the Eskimo
January 26 2013, 02:11PM
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The professional sports franchise in my local area is superior to the professional sports franchise in yours, phlegms phans.

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#55 Mike
January 26 2013, 02:28PM
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EPIC GDP WANYE! TIME FOR A DONAIR, BETTER PUT ON MY SWEAT PANTS AND LOAFERS AND HOP IN MY TRANS AM. PANTERA CRANKED TO 11

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Driving down highway 2

Gonna watch the Oilers WIN

Calgary Ashes*

*ashes are all that's left after the Flames burn out

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#57 Get a life
January 26 2013, 02:57PM
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1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

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#58 Hall for Captain
January 26 2013, 03:05PM
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Get a life wrote:

1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

Well it looks like your moniker says it all. A$$hat. Troll elsewhere please.

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#59 LeafsSuck
January 26 2013, 03:41PM
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Pharmboy wrote:

ANYONE STILL THINK WE SHOULD HAVE PICKED MURRAY? HELLO? ANYONE?

I think we should have picked Couture over Gagner

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#60 Wäx Män Riley
January 26 2013, 03:42PM
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Get a life wrote:

1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

Davis S. wrote:

6. *SLAP*

Haahahhaahaa.... nobody says it better!

Well.... maybe Rick does

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#61 Slats
January 26 2013, 04:19PM
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GDP - Oilers in romp just like end of last season Oiler 6 fLames 1

Obvious GDP - Yak gets booed first touch and goes through the entire fLames team for Goal #1 starts to go center ice with a burst of speed but just glides to bench with smile.

Not so obvious GDP - After the Oil jump out to a 3-0 lead Hartly calls a timeout. In an effort to divert fans from booing Calgary announcer comes over PA to announce that caviar will be served to all CEOs/CFOs in the house with a valid corporate busines card. All of Section 100 vacates and 50% of section 200 - all Oiler faithful are rewarded with seat upgrade and watch the romp.

GOILERS!!!!

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#62 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 06:10PM
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@funkyjaman

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xECUrlnXCqk

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#63 bookofloob
January 26 2013, 06:24PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

It seems to me like youve got a real ship on your shoulder. I think you take your freedom to post whatever you feel on the internet for granite. Maybe some restrictions would be a blessing in the skies.

I mean, sure, we all put our favorite players on a petal stool, but they are honestly just a bunch of pre-Madonnas and i fear that we are becoming pre-Madonnas as well.

Just a thought.

this was awesome, by the by

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#64 DSF
January 26 2013, 06:38PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

It seems to me like youve got a real ship on your shoulder. I think you take your freedom to post whatever you feel on the internet for granite. Maybe some restrictions would be a blessing in the skies.

I mean, sure, we all put our favorite players on a petal stool, but they are honestly just a bunch of pre-Madonnas and i fear that we are becoming pre-Madonnas as well.

Just a thought.

This post is funnier than Wanye's GDT.

Interesting that the pinnacle of malapropism is Richard Sheridan's, "The Rivals".

"...promise to forget this fellow - to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory."

Of course, she was a Pre-Maddona while I expect most of the posters here are Post-Maddonna.

Now, please forgive me, I have to go put my favourite player on a "petal stool".

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#65 oilersplumber
January 26 2013, 07:47PM
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God this is great reading........ y`all keep er goin`.

Reminds me of that Malcolm Mayes cartoon in the Edmonton Journal back in 1990. 3 panes, first is a New York Islander with 4 cups in behind him, 2nd pane, an Edmonton Oiler with 4 cups in behind him, 3rd Pane is a Calgary Flame with golf clubs and yelling ``FORE``......great stuff !

Oh and I will throw in the obligatory ``Flames Suck``

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#66 Johe
January 26 2013, 07:53PM
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DSF wrote:

Uh, Cervenka is 5'11" 200

He's built like a tank.

Hudler scored 25 goals and 50 points playing 3rd line minutes in Detroit last season.

That's significantly more than Horcoff, Smyth, Hemsky and Jones.

Hey! Sam Gagner is 5'11 200 pounds! He must be built like a tank, too. We have found that big second line center the Oilers needed! Hurrah! ;)

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#67 geoilersgist
January 26 2013, 08:20PM
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@Kent Wilson

Ivanans???? Oh wait a second........

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#68 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 08:36PM
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Edmonton looking sharp early. Chances are 3-0 Oil.

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#69 OilLeak
January 26 2013, 08:47PM
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Oilertown wrote:

Flamers think they have a player in Baklund I don't see it.

I disagree with you on this one, Backlund may not have the offense, but he's definitely a player.

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#70 The Last Big Bear
January 26 2013, 09:09PM
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Seriously, Hockey Night in Canada, it's not polite to do that kind of thing with the Oilers in public unless you marry them first.

You';d think the Oilers were back-to-back cup winners to hear the HNiC, no back-to-back-to-back 1st overall draftees and the worst club in the NHL. Not to mention that you'd swear they were winning this game, rather than losing.

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#71 seve927
January 26 2013, 09:49PM
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How can we have a TV time out and still come back with Sarich-Smith?

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#72 DonDon
January 26 2013, 10:20PM
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Have Calgary fans taken over this blog tonight? Seems so.

The Flames have a knack of exposing the Oilers' weaknesses in large part because of their veteran lineup. Not so much our veteran players. I don't have the benefit of the game's analytics, but our defence, other than for Justin Schultz, isn't playing well. Dubnyk has let in two soft goals. And what is Hemsky doing? Seems like his role is as a passenger.

Even Hall is struggling as a one-man team. The Flames are attacking in waves of three-on-two. Back to the drawing board Ralph.

Has Tambellini made the trade for Subban yet? Would sure help.

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#73 seve927
January 26 2013, 10:34PM
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Wow. This is the longest list of guys who've had a great 2+ periods in a long, long time.

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#74 Smokey
January 26 2013, 10:55PM
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Congrats to Calgary. You were better tonight.

Big Bo was a beast. Whitney and the Schultz had a strong third, but that's about it for the Oil'

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#75 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 10:58PM
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Chances end up 5-3 Flames thanks to the final 20 second push by the Oilers.

Pretty overwhelming win for CGY despite the close score. After the first period the chances were 14-7.

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#76 2:00 AM
January 26 2013, 10:58PM
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Good game CGY, your grey power won the day. Until Next time? I look forward to your GDB article.

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#77 schevvy
January 26 2013, 11:11PM
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ONLY A POINT OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! Woo!

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#78 bookofloob
January 27 2013, 01:19AM
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hey guys

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#79 Neal
January 27 2013, 10:13AM
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What I hate most is when our boys lose because the other team wanted it more and worked harder for it.

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#80 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:13PM
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@Bicepus Maximus - Peter, The Great. Potter, the Goat.

GAAAAH!

Quick Draw McGraw over here.

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#81 FireOnIce
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
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Haha this is fantastic. I'm sure, as a Flames fan, we'll be seeing many more of these to come over the next few seasons (8 per season, 20 game win streak over the Flames). Make sure they're all top notch like this and it might ease the pain. Might.

Pretty sure your fans are still 8 year olds though. That first comment, all in caps, and the stupid fisting, makes it seem like you (from your picture) truly are the throbbing bunch of teens, high on ecstasy, and unable to do more than sweat and grope upon a poor innocent female dubstep fan.

That being said, GO FLAMES!

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#82 funkyjaman
January 26 2013, 12:27PM
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Man I wish I could actually read this dribble but unfortunately I don't speak Co@# Sucker!

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#83 Sincity1976
January 26 2013, 12:30PM
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I think you forgot the game part of the game day thread. What an Edmonton like thing to do.

In terms of the rest, Calgary is a bigger/nicer/better city ... check. Calgary spends less time on the internet ... okay. The Flames are built around an expired core ... no kidding. The Oiler's have sucked so long that they are immune to insults and like sour milk ... good for you.

Can I have my three minutes back?

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#84 RKD
January 26 2013, 12:30PM
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Indian Gold!

Alright Wanye, we get your point. Let me see, the Flames beat the Oilers 4 times last season with some strong physical play. The Oilers took the last 2 which definitely helped in our cause to not make the playoffs.

Darryl Sutter's defensive system paralyzed the Oilers 2 nights ago. The Kings took too many penalties and special teams did them in. Note, how to beat the Oilers: play very well defensively.

Of course OilersNation has more site visits, if the Flames had 5 really talented first round picks it would go the other way. Didn't Dubnyk surrender 6 goals in a single period?

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#85 CopperBlueBalls
January 26 2013, 12:45PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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#86 Graham
January 26 2013, 12:49PM
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I don't get the criticism for trying to be competitive while also re-building. I'd say that's the ideal route to take, no? I definitely don't understand the "Flames should blow it up and suck for 5 years" just because that's how it was done in Edmonton. Before you get too excited: the Edmonton rebuild hasn't yet reached a successful conclusion. I expect it will eventually, but most intelligent leaders wouldn't deliver a brutal product for 5 years in order to have a *chance* at something special. Well done Tambo. That guy has hockey AND business intelligence!

The old and slow beaks are getting a bit, well... old and slow. Iginla and Kiprusoff are in their mid-30s - correct. However, the Flames are actually 14th in the league in terms of age. Their prospect "cupboard" has actually come a long way in the last 3 years. Not that anyone outside of Calgary pays any attention to it - but that's just fine.

Anyone skilled is old, anyone young is marginal? The Oilers have done a magnificent job selecting the best prospect in the draft over the last several years. I get that most of your team is still in diapers, and most of them will become very good players, but it's ignorant to assume other teams don't have good young players too. Baertschi, Backlund and Brodie are pretty solid players in their early 20s. Comparing Cervenka to Patrick O'Sullivan is a joke. And Eric Cole? He's done pretty well everywhere outside of his short stint in Edmonton - as has Lupul. Just because things don't work out in Edmonton doesn't mean they don't anywhere - that's pretty uninformed.

I'm glad the battle of Alberta is back. All of these "old and slow losers" were having a hard time getting up for games against Edmonton. It's tough to be motivated when you're casually winning 85% of the games.

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#87 bookofloob
January 26 2013, 12:52PM
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Maybe instead of spending all this disposable Calgary income on ANOTHER condo in Phoenix, I'll come up to Edmonton and buy a share in the Oilers off of Mr. Katz (truly a great man and shrews business tycoon)

Then I will hire away Mr. Yakupov and make him a cabana boy at the pool near one of my Phoenix condos.

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#88 jeremywilhelm
January 26 2013, 01:09PM
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Solid as ever Wanye. And nary a disagreement on my part.

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#89 Twiggs
January 26 2013, 01:12PM
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Annnnd this is why I love the Nation. Beauty GDB Wanye, here's hoping Yak gets to try out a few more cellys in Calgary tonight! Oh and the Calgary flames are really no good and such.

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#90 You-Got-It-Right
January 26 2013, 01:13PM
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@Rama Lama

I totally agree but not for a couple years at least as I want revenge on all those flamers who attacked me over and over again then we can make peace !!!! lol

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#91 Hall for Captain
January 26 2013, 01:17PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

THIS

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#92 Muji
January 26 2013, 01:21PM
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Oilers were better in the past. Oilers will be better in the future. Who cares about the present. Suck it Flames!!

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#93 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 01:27PM
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@Muji

Here, hear!

The only present I care about is the Yak jersey that i'm asking for, for Christmas!

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#94 A-Mc
January 26 2013, 01:29PM
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Wanye... You brought a tear to my eye.

*choked up*. *slow clap*.

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#95 Wäx Män Riley
January 26 2013, 01:31PM
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EPIC GDB... just EPIC.

Some of the highlights include:

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it

And...

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

And who could forget:

Eat Sh!t (Flames)

We love you Wanye!

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#96 bucketoffish
January 26 2013, 01:38PM
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Rifffing an epice air guitar SHQUEEEE I just Nail Vanhallened blue to blue.

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#97 Coco Crsip
January 26 2013, 01:53PM
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http://theoddmanrush.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/YakupovCelebrates.gif

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WANYE ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS EBERLE + CUTE PUPPY = OILERS WIN

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#99 Fatbob24
January 26 2013, 02:14PM
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That was awesome! I have never laughed so hard at a GDB.

** he wipes his eyes, knowing full well it could be 10-2, but I guess that's why it's so exciting**

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IBleedOil wrote:

There really needs to be a "/drops mic" at the end of that article.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmAsqtGRmk

STONE COLD ET SAYS

OH

HELL

YEAH

^o^

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