Are you there, Leafs? It’s me, Steve.
Leafs…I don’t ask for much.
I’ve been watching you for a long time, Leafs. As far back as I can remember, I would throw on my little 93 jersey, plant myself firmly in front of the television, and watch the blue and while battle their biggest rivals.
I remember watching Mats Sundin play with guys that got put on waivers the next day.
I remember every heartbreaking playoff elimination.
I remember Brian McCabe scoring on his own net.
I remember once thinking Mikael Telqvist was the answer in goal.
I remember J.S. Aubin carrying the Leafs to an improbable playoff run that fell short.
I remember Andrew Raycroft, Vesa Toskala, and every other goalie you acquired that isn’t even in the NHL anymore.
I’ve see a lot with you, Leafs.
Now, there is an excitement in the Toronto air that has been missing for a decade. An excitement that overcomes the powerful stench of gasoline, sewer grids, and drunk person barf in the streets.
The Toronto Maple Leafs appear to be playoff-bound, and for the first time in years, the Toronto Blue Jays are not only expected to be good, but to be one of the World Series favourites.
I have tickets for tonight’s Blue Jays home opener, Leafs. I’ve been waiting for this for a really long time.
I can’t wait to join over 50,000 fans in a packed stadium. I can’t wait to sit back with a beer and relax with my friends. I can’t wait to pay like $10 for said beer. I have had this day marked off on my calendar for a very long time, Leafs.
Which is why, Leafs, I have one thing to say to you…
If you trade for Miikka Kiprusoff during tonight’s Blue Jays game, I hope you step on a Lego.
Despite the fact that James Reimer has been an admirable starting goaltender this season…
Despite the fact that Ben Scrivens has been a more than adequate backup for Reimer…
Despite the fact that Kiprusoff is a 36-year-old goaltender, and statistically speaking, has not only been the Flames’ worst goaltender this season, but also one of the worst in the entire NHL…
Despite all that, you are currently in talks to not only trade for Miikka Kiprusoff, but sign him to a contract extension.
Because the now two-and-a-half decades of abuse I have suffered from watching you all this time, I am almost numbed to the idea of such a bad deal. The Leafs need anything but a goaltender like Kiprusoff at this point, and yet, if you were to acquire him, it probably wouldn’t even be one of the top five worst moves the Leafs have made this past decade.
For you to make such an illogical, terrible move is one thing, but I’ve seen you make illogical, terrible moves before…
But if you do it while I’m enjoying the Blue Jays’ season opener… I hope you wake up to find yourself alone in a flooded basement, except the flood is Lego instead of water, and you’re not wearing any shoes or socks. And the only way for you to get out of this basement, is to climb up 1967 stairs, and every one of them is covered in Lego bits.
Before you do something like trade a first round pick for Miikka Kiprusoff, I hope you realize that 2013 first round pick wasn’t even alive the last time both the Leafs and Blue Jays were good in the same season.
I hope you realize that the only way James Reimer is going to gain playoff experience is if you actually let him play in the playoffs that he essentially carried this team to.
And most of all, I hope you realize, that if you trade for Miikka Kiprusoff while I’m trying to enjoy tonight’s Blue Jays game…
I hope you step on…
Most ouchiest Lego in the whole wide world.
I mean it, Leafs. I mean it.
If you have to trade for Kiprusoff, if you absolutely can’t help it, then for the love of a guy like me who remembers thinking Lonny Bohonos was the second coming of Darryl Sittler, don’t do it yet.
Don’t do it while I’m walking all happy-go-lucky to the Rogers Centre tonight.
Don’t do it while I’m hanging out with my friends after the game.
If you have to do it, wait until Wednesday.
I can handle you making a bad move on Wednesday, but I can’t handle you making a brutal trade, setting Twitter and texting ablaze, putting everyone at the game in a sour mood, and ruining the home opener for me, and for the city.
Thank you and lots of Lego,