YOU AINT GOT NOTHING

Welly. Welly. Welly. If our old friends at Bodog didn’t release the odds of winning the Stanley Cup now that the lockout has ended – a mere 145 months after it began. Good news in these parts up here in Edmonton, because it confirms something we already knew – The Oilers are awesome.

Yes, despite what consecutive years of 30th, 31st, 30th and 29th might tell you the Mighty Oil are on a massive upswing and the rest of you Canadian hockey fans must be just green with envy. You think your team is good? You think you are some kind of Pimp?

You ain’t nothing. We feel like Datta Phuge these days – King Pimp of Pimp Island.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT

So what you got fans of other teams? Couple decent players? Some sort of fancy car? Maybe a nice watch? Well in Edmonton we are rolling in a solid gold shirt these days.

You read that right: A SOLID GOLD SHIRT:

Datta Phuge, a chit fund businessman from Pimpri, India, refers to himself as “The Gold Man of Pimpri” and in order to live up to this image, he has recently commissioned a 22-karat gold shirt weighing 3.2 kilograms that’s bound to make some Western rappers green with envy.

Datta Phuge totally speaks to us. This guy gets it. He has swagger, class and all the humility that one would expect from a resident of a town called Pimpri.

NOW BACK TO YOU

As the fan of a team that is no longer statisically favoured to come in last place we now have an embarassment of riches on our hands. And when you are no longer last it is your duty – nay your very destiny – to bash the others in the league.

VANCOUVER: 9-1 ODDS

Kesler hurt. Sedins still weirdo sissy twins and getting older by the day. Luongo on his way out of town for heavens knows what in return. You may have won the Western Conference – its hard to recall it was so long ago – but the team is definitely past its prime.

You may finish above the Mighty Oil this year but we wouldn’t trade rosters with you if you threw in Lindsay Lohan circa 2004 to sweeten the deal.

CALGARY: 50-1 ODDS

Flames fans are a lot like this fella. Living in a dream world and making believe that a stack of ones is something to floss with. Except that if this kid was actually was the Flames, he would be 157 years old and would be contractually prohibited from moving across the street.

The Flames might put a streak together here or there but rest assured they are well on their way to a slow painful decline. Couldn’t happen to a better City if you ask us.

WINNIPEG: 50-1 ODDS

We actually have no beef with you Winnipeg. We are happy to have you back in the NHL and we know that Jets fans have blown the doors off all expectations for franchise support. Good luck to you this season – you get a free pass.

For now.

TORONTO: 30-1 ODDS

Want a free pass too? Screw you Toronto. You don’t get a free anything. In fact you are exactly like this guy. All the money in the world and just embarassing yourself with how you spend it. We all get it. You have a lot of money to throw around. And you spend it like you are the Dean of Economics at Allen Iverson University.

Sure you may land Luongo and you did snag Phaneuf but it’s all such an expensive classless mess that you end up looking like a dude walking down the street with 100 watches but you don’t even know what time it is.

Plus you fired Burke today. What’s up with that?

MONTREAL: 30-1 ODDS

We are a little bit shocked at Montreal isn’t higher up on the bodog depth chart. Aren’t you decent? What the heck is going on out there? We can’t be bothered to look it up what is going on out there exactly but we can only conclude that you have been swindled somewhere along the line and bought something you thought was sick and turned out to be crap.

Suckers.

OTTAWA: 40-1 ODDS

 

Ah Ottawa. Just like the Mighty Oil, you too had the divine wisdom once upon a time to finish in the bottom rung for a long time and stockpiled talent up to the rafters. Then you frittered it away, bet on the wrong horses and now Alfie is going to retire at some point soon and you will be left with fond rememberances of how you once had the world by the tail.

You once were hot and now you definitely are not. And you have absolutely no idea. Classic Ottawa.

BACK TO EDMONTON BEING AWESOME

This is how we are rolling this season. Hard as hell, rockin a jewel encrusted solid gold shirt and surely the envy of all the world.

Let’s get the show started so it can be proven beyond a doubt. 

  • book¡e

    To the people that hate on Wanye, its humour. Look into it. I have met this man once for a few minutes, (had no idea who he was at the time), but he is a very intellegent man. Well spoken and funny. I was shocked when I found out he was THE WANYE. Love the articles! Keep ’em coming!

  • Reidja

    Another banal blog that bored me after your third use of the ‘word’ “welly”. You’re like the premature ejaculator of the Nations. A bunch of zitty kids finishing around last never looked so good on a city. Embarrassment of riches! Hahaha.

  • RKD

    The Oilers got off to a blazing start then fizzled out, that might happen again this season.

    Yes, they have a lot of young talent and may come out of the gate strong because their young guys have been playing active games.

    Watch how bad the Oilers struggle in games when the young kids don’t score. When they aren’t putting up points, they have no idea what else to do.

    Let’s see Hall, Nugent-Hopkins, Eberle, Yakupov(yeah right) kill penalties and help the team out when they aren’t putting up points. Wait, a minute they can’t. Alas, bottom of the league again. Maybe these guys could play better defensively and not cheat. Help out your d-man, no let’s hang the goalie out to dry.

    The Flames didn’t get off to any blazing start yet finished ahead of the Oilers. The so called old Flames didn’t make the playoffs but at least kept it interesting.

    • Word to the Bird

      How often do you see the first line players of other teams play on the PK? Exactly, usually they don’t. That’s the job of the bottom 6 and veterans. I’m a firm believer that the biggest need that the oilers have is secondary scoring, rather than defense. We’re getting a full year out of Nick Schultz, plus smid and petry are really hitting their stride, and let’s not even talk about Justin Schultz

      • SmellOfVictory

        Jonathan Toews, Patrice Bergeron, Anze Kopitar, Ryan Getzlaf, Zach Parise, Eric Staal, Claude Giroux, David Backes, Marian Hossa, Henrik Zetterberg, Corey Perry, Loui Eriksson, Alex Tanguay, and Joe Thornton say hello (and others, depending how you decide to define a “first line player”, e.g. Pavelski, Couture, etc.). They don’t play the entire PK, but all these guys average above a minute of PK time per game (many of them into the 2-3 minute range); if you’re a good 2-way player, you are likely to get some PK time, top 6 or not, although it does depend on who’s coaching you.

        • geoilersgist

          Im going to agree with you on this. Also lets not forget what Lord Jordan of Eberle did in his first season now. I think Gregor posted an interview he recently did with Hall where he talked about how he wants to kill penalties like he did in junior. Your first line is your first line because they can play a complete game. If you are only an offensive threat you go the way of the Omark.

  • Puritania

    Boy, when I called Flames fans thin skinned was I ever wrong.

    /SARCASM OFF

    If this article was pimpin’ the Flames and made fun of the Oil, the crybabies would approve of it wholeheartedly.

    I’m also jealous of all the people in this thread who have met Wanye.

    #alwaysthebridesmaidneverthebride

  • seve927

    I have a favorite quote, and its one that has a fair bit of application to the basis of this article.

    The quote is from Henry Ford: “You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.”

    I would agree that the talent that has been assembled in Edmonton is admirable, if not down right enviable. But it hasn’t done anything yet. It hasn’t made the playoffs, it hasn’t won a round and it hasn’t come close to winning a Stanley Cup.

    As an old school Battle of Alberta fan, I recall that the 80s saw the two best NHL teams hail from Alberta. Each was built in very different manners. Glen Sather had a plethora of drafted talent (i.e. Paul Coffey, Jarri Kurri) that complimented a superstar that they did not draft. Cliff Fletcher had miserable draft picks, but he wheeled and dealed (i.e. Joey Mullen, Doug Gilmour), he signed undrafted NCAA talent (i.e. Joel Otto), and the Flames iced a team that held its own against the high flying Oilers.

    Does this situation not mirror what we see today?

    The challenge for both franchises is to realize on their potential. I look forward to a renewed Battle of Alberta, one that in a couple of years will rival those tangles of the 80s.

  • G Money

    *Best* *article* *evar*.

    I have been to Pimpri. If I ever get there again, I’m gettin’ me a solid gold toque made (with Oilers logo embedded in sapphire and opal). They don’t call me G Money for nothing.

  • Hey Wanye. The comments sections on the other sites would EXPLODE if you let us cross-post without having to sign up for each site. I mean, what Oilers fan is going to sign up at a Canucks or Flames site, right? But if we could sneak over there and chirp away (using our soon to be added ~no doubt~ universal access, I bet you’d see ALL OUT WAR!