my column: november 17

Screenshot 2014-11-16 22.29.56

now that i have the green light from justin fisher i present my new weekly column called my column. 

in My Column i will discuss the happenings of the past week in leafland® so u can stay dutifully informed and can impress your coworkers at the water cooler or when ur feet are almost touching while ur doing #2 in next-door bathroom stalls. 
ok here we go. 

item #1: willie nylander


Wow i mean wow. For a euro William Nylander is pretty good. MODO (which for your information stands for More On-ice Dicking Off – typical flashy euro stuff, disgusting) is giving him the third most iced tea among all SHL forwards. and as a result of that and how soft Swins and Fedes are, he has 14 points in 10 games and is on pace for one of the best U20 SHL seasons ever. people are making a big deal about this but i would care more if they played the game the right way. Just wait til he gets to north america. he’s a bust if I’ve ever seen one (and i’ve watched mad men i’ve seen some big busts). 
meanwhile nicholas ritchie is playing the game the right way and is going to match his point totals form last year in the Ontario Hockey League. that’s what you want in a player – consistency. Your coach needs to know what to expect from you – that’s what gets you a full time gig in the NHL. 

maybe they should have kept nylander in north america so he could play for the mississauga steelheads im just spitballing here but that would have been better for his development. even the name makes me think of toughness something he could use more of. i’ve never seen him play but he’s small and euro so i already know this without watching. 

item #2: buffalo

This past Saturday night, the Leafs played Hockey Night in Canada in Buffalo which makes no sense if you ask me. The leafs get no respect why are they playing in another city on hockey night IN canada it makes me sick. saturday night games should always be in toronto. 
well the leafs lost because they were upset it wasn’t in toronto and that the CBC was promoting other canadian games on at the same time. saturday nights are about the Maple Leafs they deserve it they have history. they really showed how sad they were by telling the CBC to shove it by getting blown out and then not paying their taxes so the CBC would stop getting funded. smart move if you ask me i don’t want my tax dollars going to people that don’t support the leafs like george strombolopoulous.
item #3: Boston
As I was saying the Leafs like to play at home. Naturally they beat on the big* Bruins to say thanks for not only playing at home where they play well, but also for the 8 PM start. they know that at that time most families are done dinner and are carbed out and just wanna nap and watch the game. Meanwhile nerds snack on kale chips and read live excel spreadsheet updates for fun. 
Well the leafs wanted to reward their faithful fans who actually watch the games and scored a lot of goals. it was a fun game to watch. despite the Leafs dominating i still thought the best player was milan lucic that’s a big BC boy that plays the game the right way.
*not so big when they can’t play chara the giant for 30 minutes 

item #4: peter holland


carlyle really nailed it here. Peter Holland is a 4th liner if i’ve ever seen one. Skill will only take u so far in this league, and holland doesn’t really have any so he has to compete. that’s the way to make it on a team that has made the playoffs once in a decade in a shortened season where they were on the path to a bottom ten finish had it been 82 games. 
holland has scored in three straight games which is because he stopped being a whiny baby about things like lace bite which isn’t bad. that’s like complaining about turf toe. you Shut Up and play through that. Matthew Barnaby says lace bite feels like someone cutting into u with a knife but i don’t trust people with a criminal record. 

item #5: phil kessel’s shot

a lot of talk this week from the lamestream media about phil kessel’s shot and how great it is. Look i don’t care how many goals you score if you leave practice early once ever you have no place on my team. the leafs are a blue collar team even though they have white trim on the collar their jerseys are literally blue. phil kessel is more of a white collar or even gold kinda guy because all he cares about is winning scoring trophies.

like Nick Kypreos said on saturday kessel is a whiner about his sticks. what if u were his teammate and u heard the guy making $8 million complaining about his stick of all things while you’re busy trying to figure out where you can score some blow after the game. speaking of, i bet Dave “Captain” Bolland is enjoying Florida.

anyways the secret to phil’s shot is that his stick is basically an elastic band and if you film me using a slingshot to hit a squirrel in my yard you’ll see it looks pretty similar and it’s not very impressive. in fact maybe Phil should get Bozie to get a cookie sligshot to make it easier for phil to healthily snack on chips-a-hoy. 

what i am trying to say is Phil needs to put down the cookies and pick up some weights.

last item: ahl fancystats

thanks to @joshweissbock
the toronto marries are last in shots for percentage in the AHL. this means nothing because they are SIXTH last in the AHL right now. there is no connection here. 

regardless, this isn’t a big deal and is to be expected if you ask me. Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment has said they make the Marlies play the same systems as the leafs so that there is consistency within the organization. It makes sense so that when guys like colton orr and frazer mclaren get called up they know where to be and when to be there. This is important in the game. 

unfortunately other MLSE teams haven’t gotten the memo. Soon the Raptors will employ the same systems and there will be a set model for success in Toronto. it’s been a long time coming but we are almost there. 

thank you for your time and thank you to justin fisher for getting back to me justin time to write this column. 
see u next week