#mycolumn: december 30

nasa carlyle

Hey guys welcome to my column, the only column that is mine.

Normally I post on Mondays, but yesterday was a busy day on the site and I want lots of attention for my columns so I am posting it today. Bask in it please.

This is also my first column in a few weeks. I know that disappointed a lot of you, and I am sorry. I need to show more compete and fight through to get these columns done. Not a lot of room out there, gotta fight for my space on the internet.

HOW HAVE THE LEAFS BEEN? BAD.

My last column was 15 days ago. Prior to that post, the Leafs had gone 7-1 in their last 8. And since that post, they have gone 2-5. Now I don’t want to say that there is a definitive relationship between the success for the Leafs on the ice, and the success of #mycolumn off the ice, but there definitely is if you ask me.

Now 2-5 doesn’t look godawful on the surface, but when one of those losses was a 7-4 spanking by Philadelphia, that says a lot. Philadelphia is not good. They are 23rd in the league with Steve Mason putting up a solid .919sv%. I like to think that it is karma from the Hockey Gods for literally being the NHL’s version of the Cincinnati Bengals. Their team colours are the same and also #Neverforget that Claude Giroux was arrested. All the Flyers have to do is sign Chad Johnson.

The other really bad loss was against ex-Leaf Roberto Luongo and the Florida Panthers. But if you ask me the reason the Leafs lost was because of Dave Bolland. #Shouldof signed him and not let him go to Florida in my opinion. People can point to Bjugstad, Huberdeau, and Barkov as future pillars in that organization but No Bolland = No winning. It was proved here in Toronto.

TYLER BOZAK NOT A 1C? BULLROAR

Interesting take by Dreger here if you ask me. I thought we had established that Bozak was a definitive 1C. He plays on the top line, therefore he is a 1C. It isn’t more complicated than that. We don’t need #fancystats to tell you that, unless you got a fancy stat that can measure chemistry.

graph
Now since we don’t have a current fancy stat that can measure it, I went and did it the old simple math way – bar graph. As you can see, I have proved my point.

The most important part of this graph is that it measures off-ice chemistry as well as on-ice. People don’t put enough importance in these guys being roommates, and how Bozie is willing to sacrifice for his socially-awkward BFF and live in a tiny room. That kind of sacrifice and love translates directly into skill on the ice. It’s just science. My roommate doesn’t play hockey and hasn’t skated in years but I guarantee if I strapped some skates onto him and gave him a stick we’d tear up my Beer League.

It’d most likely be me making most of the plays and trying to get him the puck for some easy tap ins while he kind of wonders around the ice aimlessly, but that’s just part of the chemistry. 

GET THE RIGHT PLAYERS

Now if you know me, you know I am a frequent defender of Randy Carlyle. You hear the name Bobby Cappuccino, and your first thought is “wow he loves Randy Carlyle. he really competes with those that don’t like him.” And first off, I’d like to say thank you for thinking of me and my love for Randy Carlyle, and also thank you for acknowledging my compete.

Now look, Randy Carlyle has won a Stanley Cup. You have not. So I am not going to sit on Twitter and listen to you say that Carlyle shouldn’t be coaching the Leafs. Unless you are from the future and you know that Randy Carlyle has a greater purpose to humanity than coaching the Leafs, which I am okay with because it is most likely true. Like if you told me that Randy Carlyle needs to start training to be sent into space with some monkeys to repair the Space Station, I’d believe you and say “okay maybe normal IQ-level coach Mike Babcock is an option now”. Because you know damn well that that Space Station is gonna get repaired with Carlyle there and NASA is the only thing I love more than the Leafs. Space exploration is important. I want to go to Mars. I also love Total Recall. Now it might take Randy awhile to get the monkeys to follow his plan to repair the station, but when they do that Space Station is getting fixed. And hey if they don’t, he’ll get NASA to send the monkeys he needs to succeed. Sometimes the monkeys you need are already working on the Russian Space Station or the Canadian Space Station and you just need to trade some of your American monkeys for one or two Canadian ones. I don’t know a lot about space but everyone has a price.
asstronot
That is a great and accurate view of the future but it is also a great segue to the main point I am trying to make – Brendave Shadubas need to work those phonelines and get Randy the right players. Randy Players, as I call them. That means making calls to Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Dallas. Those teams got some real Randy players. Players that can offer good protection but still have a good time out there. Players that are willing to go to the dirty areas. Players that will work really hard to score. Players that score a lot. Players that love going one-on-one. Players that can go for a full 60 minutes. Players that are submissive and will listen to advice, and then be dominant when they’re out there on their own. Randy Players.

BYE

I hope you have enjoyed #mycolumn as much as I know you did. I will see you in 2015.