A New Draft Approach, or “Ow Father, Panda Crap!”

There are a lot of good reasons to draft any given player. Usually, a strong scouting department has a good idea of where any given player will fit in their future lineup, and typically looks at a lot of game footage in combination with statistically analysis to determie exactly who they’d like to take.

There are perhaps even more bad reasons to draft a player. Often head-scratchers come in the first round, as a player projected to go later in the draft with often less-than-impressive resumes find their way to a team.

But there’s one draft formula that has yet to be tried. Anagramming. It leaves a pretty clear answer of who the Leafs should draft.

Connor McDavid: 

Dim Concord Van

Decent hockey player, questionable name. I’m gonna pass on your dim van, Connor, even if you drop to 4th.

Jack Eichel:

He, Jack Lice.

Nope. Lice sucks. Especially in that curly hair. No thanks, Jack. 

Mitch Marner:

Mr. Ranch Time 

Probably the best name for ’90’s DJ I’ve heard all week.

Mr. Nicer Math

None of that weak fancy-stats stuff. This is the nice math everyone can understand.

Mint Charmer

Charming, and mint. Great combination.

Mr. Ethnic Ram

Fits perfectly with the multiculturalism and toughness of Toronto. 

Dylan Strome: 

Male Dry Snot

Gross.

Tardy Lemons 

Tardy for meetings doesn’t work for Kadri, so why would it be okay for Strome? When life gives you lemons, show up on time.

Nasty Remold

Just a nasty, poor remold of his older brother Ryan. Nope.

My Stoner Lad

Drugs, too? Ugh.

Sadly Men Rot

Probably because of all the drugs they do.

Darn Melts, Yo.

What’s wrong with Subway Melts? They’re delicious sandwiches. 

Noah Hanafin:

Honestly, these all suck. Loss by default.

Lawson Crouse:

Arouse Clowns

Alright, let’s just stop there. 

Timo Meier:

I, more time.

See? He’s not NHL ready.

Matthew Barzal:

Math Wart Blaze

Sounds painful.

What Zebra Malt?

Not sure, but I don’t think a Zebra Malt would taste good.

Wham! A Tzar Belt!

Yeah, I don’t support state punishment via the belt or other means. No thanks.

Pavel Zacha:

Ha! Zap Calve!

Whether he’s referring to human calves or animal calves, getting zapped sounds more painful than hilarious. Clearly lacking in morality.

I think it’s clear the Leafs should try to draft Mitch Marner solely to call him Mr. Ranch Time. End of story.

(If you want a serious approach to why Marner might be a good draft target, consider Shawn Reis’ article comparing him against Dylan Strome.)