With ads on jerseys becoming an inevitability, worries about sponsor logos on sacred NHL jerseys is at fever pitch. The thing is, people aren’t thinking about this correctly – proper sponsorships won’t even be noticeable.
Don’t believe me? I thought you might feel that way, so I came up with suggestions for each team for who their sponsor should be and why. I think that after reading this, you’ll see that you were wrong and that sponsorships are good.
Recommended Sponsor: 1-800-GOT-JUNK
Why: Corey Perry and Ryan Kesler are trash people.
Recommended Sponsor: General Motors
Why: Who knows more about being bailed out than General Motors?
Recommended Sponsor: Barstool Sports
Why: Barstool’s slogan is “By the common man, for the common man”.
Recommended Sponsor: Hallmark
Why: Buffalo’s fans need to know how sorry Tim Murray is.
Recommended Sponsor: Rexall
Why: Daryl Katz wants to finally back a winner.
Recommended Sponsor: Seagate
Why: Carolina is going to be relying on a couple backups this season.
Recommended Sponsor: SellOffVacations.com
With how much the Hawks have had to sell off players, they might
actually be a better sponsor for SellOffVacations.com than vice versa.
Recommended Sponsor: U.S. Army
Why: It will help confuse fans into thinking that they have a defense.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Recommended Sponsor: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser
One look at their salary cap breakdown for the next few seasons will
have the Jackets turning to who knows best about making things magically disappear.
Recommended Sponsor: Outback Steakhouse
Why: Just imagine Jamie Benn in a commercial for Outback: “It tastes good down under.”
Detroit Red Wings
Recommended Sponsor: PETA
Why: This would be a proactive move by the Wings
to ensure people that they treat those octopuses that are cruelly
thrown on the ice very well.
Recommended Sponsor: Lottery Canada
Edmonton is a team built on luck. Unlike people that win the lottery,
they’ve managed to win it four times. And like a lot of people that win the
lottery, they’ve totally blown it.
Recommended Sponsor: Every Other Sports Team In Florida, Other than the Tampa Bay Lightning
Why: The fans the Panthers have are only interested because every other sports team in Florida is terrible.
Los Angeles Kings
Recommended Sponsor: Bad Boys Bail Bonds
What they would pay the Kings in sponsorship dollars, they’d make back
from the Kings by just continuing to do what they already do. Works for
Recommended Sponsor: Enron
Why: No one else knows more about paying a couple employees hundreds of millions of dollars and having nothing to show for it.
Recommended Sponsor: French’s Mustard
The name creates an obvious connection, plus the Habs are a bunch of
wieners. Sorry, whiners. Also, an added bonus: yellow looks
terrible on their jerseys.
Recommended Sponsor: The NRA
Guns are now allowed at Predators games. The NRA is probably sponsoring
them already – there’s no other way this insanity would happen, is
New Jersey Devils
Recommended Sponsor: Sleep Country Canada
Why: It would give Sleep Country a brand new tagline – Sleeping: more excitement than watching the Devils.
New York Islanders
Recommended Sponsor: Hertz
Why: Like Hertz, the Islanders know that no matter how hard they try, they’ll always be number two in New York.
New York Rangers
Recommended Sponsor: Donald Trump.
Why: America’s team deserves America’s next President.
Recommended Sponsor: Duracell
Why: We all know how much fans in Philadelphia love to throw batteries.
Recommended Sponsor: Schneider’s
Why: If the Penguins don’t get a hot dog sponsor, they’re going to lose money trying to meet Phil’s demands.
Recommended Sponsor: The Toronto Maple Leafs
Why: The Leafs are already responsible for most of the money Melnyk makes.
San Jose Sharks
Recommended Sponsor: Captain Morgan
Why: Finally, San Jose has a real captain.
St Louis Blues
Recommended Sponsor: Fleshlight
Why: The Blues are experts on screwing themselves.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Recommended Sponsor: Rogers and Bell
Why: Might as well get Stamkos used to it for next year.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Recommended Sponsor: Microsoft Excel
Why: No other team has been built on spreadsheets quite like the Leafs.
Bonus: MLSE and Microsoft are the only multibillion dollar companies that have produced as many failures as they have and stayed multibillion dollar companies.
Recommended Sponsor: Instagram
Canucks fans are all to familiar what it’s like to take a trip down memory lane when
pining over your ex after dumping him/her for a new person who seemed a lot better at first but turned out to be crazy. In fact, they’re probably
doing it right now.
Recommended Sponsor: Russia
Why: This would help heal the relationship between America’s capital and Russia. Also, Alex Ovechkin.
Recommended Sponsor: 7-11.
Why: Because like 7-11, you only go to a Jets game because you’re drunk, stuck, and it’s your last resort. Oh and this.
It’s 2015: It’s time for oldtimers to embrace a changing game and accept that jersey sponsorships are going to happen. And as you can see, jersey sponsors are a win-win for the league and fans, but most importantly, the brands.