6

Presenting the Leafs’ All-Vanity Team

Not only is it the offseason for everybody except the Penguins and the Predators, it’s the offseason and corsica.hockey is offline for the summer.

What better time to create a Leafs lineup based solely on attractiveness? For this exercise, I will be using players on the Leafs and Marlies, as well as prospects who are drafted by the Leafs who are currently playing elsewhere. This is a very important discussion to have and all of my opinions are correct and infallible, so please do not @ me. Also, I’m not really that concerned about positions. If I have too many wingers I’m just going to move one or two to centre. I will also only be creating two forward lines and two defence pairings in order to ensure only the most elite are included.

First line: Dmytro Timashov-William Nylander-Tobias Lindberg

Of course, the first line is three Swedes. Kind’ve. Nylander is Canadian-born and Timashov is Ukrainian-born, but they both play for Sweden internationally and come from Swedish roots. It’s a shame that Lindberg likely doesn’t have a future with the Leafs because he might challenge Nylander for the top spot on the Leafs handsome team if he ever made it.

Timashov is pretty easy to look at as well. Good hair + good eyeballs = cracking my roster.

As for my son William, he is perfect, but we all knew that already. I may have been even happier than he was in this picture when I saw this.

Second line: Joffrey Lupul-Adam Brooks-Andreas Johnsson

Yes, Lupul counts. He’s still under contract for one more season so he’s a Leaf and he’s a handsome one with some great style, at least he was, last time he was spotted. I mean, look at this dude.

Also, I wouldn’t be being true to this piece if I didn’t mention the time Lupul posed nude for ESPN magazine in one of their “The Body” editions. I’ll keep it PG and just post the upper portion of it, though.

Brooks, like Lupul, is from Western Canada (Winnipeg). He might not quite be in Lupul’s league, but he’s still got time to develop and the guy has some quality potential, both on and off the ice.

As for Andreas Johnsson, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: all Swedes are perfect except for Robin Lehner.

*eyeball emojis*

Top defence pairing: Andreas Borgman-Connor Carrick

When the Leafs signed Borgman and Calle Rosen I immediately googled pictures because they’re both Swedish and I assumed they were extremely handsome. As it turns out, Borgman is a flat out stud while Rosen is merely average. Looking at Borgman’s Instagram posts, he has a bunch of tattoos and he likes to flaunt them.

He also has great hair, because he’s Swedish and of course he does.

As for Carrick, I think he flies under the radar both on and off the ice. He’s got some tight curls and he keeps them in check. I also think that he might get his eyebrows professionally done, but I’m no expert on the subject.

I might be biased here, though, because I really like Carrick as a player and he seems like a really smart individual in his interviews. I think that naturally plays a factor on the attractiveness scale.

Second pairing: Andrew Nielsen-Jake Gardiner

Okay, both of these picks were made based on questionable factors. I just love Gardiner a lot and I couldn’t bring myself to not put him on my team and I pretty much chose Nielsen because of this jacket.

The jacket/tie/hair combination make him look like a prohibition era detective who is ecstatic to brag to the media about the biggest bust of his career.

I know I admitted to choosing Gardiner because I love his on-ice play, but he’s also got some good eyeballs. That has to count for something, right?

If that doesn’t sway you, here he is with some nice doggos.

Goaltender: Frederik Andersen

Simply because of this picture, in which he looks like he’s starring in a 90’s frat bro movie and his character’s name is Chad.

 

Thank you for joining me on this journey. What a ride.