Read the headline. Laugh. Laugh some more.
1st: Tampa Bay Lightning
34-12-3 (71 points) / +50 goal differential
After a season-long three-game losing streak, the Lightning got back to winning last week. Tampa won all three games they played, beating Chicago 2-0, Nashville 4-3 in overtime, and Philadelphia 5-1. They went into the All-Star break with with NHL’s points leader, likely the Vezina and Hart favourite, and the best record in the league. Times are good for the Lightning.
2nd: Boston Bruins
29-10-8 (66 points) / +40 goal differential
The Lightning pulled themselves together, which is a good thing for them considering how Boston has been rolling. The Bruins won both games they played last week, beating New Jersey and Ottawa 3-2, and are now on a five-game winning streak. They’ve also recorded a point in 18-consecutive games. They haven’t lost in regulation since Dec. 14 against the Capitals.
3rd: Toronto Maple Leafs
28-18-5 (61 points) / +16 goal differential
The Leafs got dropped by the weirdly-good Avalanche last week, but then went on to win back-to-back games on the road against Chicago and Dallas, proving they are Actually Good again. In other good news, the Leafs should be getting both Morgan Rielly and Nikita Zaitsev back from the Injured Reserve soon.
– – – THE CLIFF – – –
4th: Detroit Red Wings
19-21-8 (46 points) / -20 goal differential
And now we’ve fallen off the cliff and into the large dumpster that is the rest of the Atlantic Division. Detroit is in fourth this week after *squints* an overtime loss and a regulation loss.
5th: Montreal Canadiens
20-23-6 (46 points) / -27 gaol differential
The Habs had a win and a loss last week, pulling them into a tie with Detroit for top spot among the teams who have fallen off the cliff and are bathing in each other’s waste. They also want to trade Shea Weber to the Oilers for Ryan Nugent-Hopkins. That seems dumb, but remember who’s got the nuclear launch codes in Edmonton.
6th: Florida Panthers
19-22-6 (44 points) / -26 goal differential
Florida has lost three games in a row and find themselves back in sixth place after some solid player after the new year. They lost 6-1 to Dallas and 4-2 to Washington last week, and if they keep this up, they could fall off the other cliff.
– – – ANOTHER CLIFF – – –
7th: Ottawa Senators
15-23-9 (39 points) / -42 goal differential
The Sens fell off the second cliff into literal hell after trading for Matt Duchene. They’re currently on a five-game losing streak and should just do Erik Karlsson a solid and trade him to Tampa Bay. He looked like he was having so much fun at the All-Star game last weekend.
Thank you Tampa. Had a blast down here. #NHLAllStarGame— Erik Karlsson (@ErikKarlsson65) January 29, 2018
8th: Buffalo Sabres
14-26-9 (37 points) / -49 goal differential
ALERT. ALERT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. The Buffalo Sabres are only TWO POINTS behind the Sens now. The Sens, who gave up a first round pick and prospects because they thought they were a contender, are now TWO POINTS up on the Buffalo Sabres who could double for an ECHL team. Buffalo rolled into Western Canada and kicked Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver in the junk for their first three-game winning streak since, like, 2007. (I’m not fact checking that)