5 People Who Should Buy The Sens

In case you haven’t noticed the Senators are on life support, and that means it’s time for the vultures to start circling and swoop in a peck at the corpse of the defeated Spartan.

Unfortunately there is no shortage of billionaires looking to flush their money down the toilet on a failing hockey business, so let’s look at who some of those might be and could come in and purchase the Senators from Eugene Melnyk, or much more likely a bankruptcy court auction.

1. Celine Dion

Okay, so she’s not a billionaire, but a Forbes magazine slideshow says that she has $400,000,000 and that’s not a bad start. The upside of a Celine lead ownership group is that the team would instantly move to Quebec and become the Nordiques, giving hockey fans what they want most, no team in Ottawa, but also the Nordiques back.

2. Rihanna

Sticking with musicians, the Senators have a proud tradition of being owned by someone from the Barbados, and I’m not sure that history can be given up. This would definitely be a step up as Rihanna is a much more likeable owner from the Barbados, and is much more likely to relocate the team to the Barbados. Her net worth is estimated to be around $245,000,000, so the same struggle that Celine has exists for Rihanna as well, but Rihanna has shown an ability to overcome and is also the only person who A) has money B) shown an interest in the Senators.

3. Elon Musk

Finally, someone who will come in and disrupt hockey. And by disrupt I mean reinvent the glow puck, design zambonis that catch fire, and spend more time trying to destroy the NHLPA than trying to win games. Elon Musk probably has enough money to buy the Senators, but that doesn’t really matter because he’s holding out for the government to step up and cover the costs.

It won’t matter that the team is located in Kanata because Elon’s going to build a Hyperloop to the Arena.

BREAKING: The Hyperloop just caught fire.

4. Justin Trudeau (The Federal Government)

The Senators are already running a deficit and giving their highest paying jobs to foreign workers instead of hard working Canadians, this seems like the Feds could step in and the status quo will be maintained. Plus you can’t fault a publicly funded team for building a publicly funded arena. This might also be enough to finally have a Canadian team push past the Leafs as the most hated team in Canada.

5. Bruce Wayne

Normally when you’re as doomed as the Sens the only person who can save you is a super hero, so if they don’t want to fold they better invest in a bat signal.

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  • The Brett Lebda Pylon Academy

    You forgot one other possible outcome for the sad sack Sens…
    I, for one, am deeply disappointed in Gary Bettman and the NHL for not stepping in à la Arizona and taking over the mismanagement of this team. Yet another example of Bettman putting American interests aheads of Canadian ones. A good lawyer (Sorry, oxymoron, I know!) could make a case that Bettman’s anti-Canadian bias is yet another example of Trump-era racism, pure and simple.
    He’s going to wait until Melnyk craps out and then move the franchise to the Virgin Islands.