Okay, so we’re taking some liberties with the pot leafs and making it cannabis strains, and generally this post is bad and I should be caned in a public square for putting it online, but it’s important we get to know our cannabis strains, and know which one to smoke if you want to honour your favourite Leaf player. Again, I shouldn’t be allowed to post online.
Andreas Johnsson: Pot of Gold
How us would you describe an offensive talent found at the end of the draft?
Auston Matthews: God Bud
Well this just makes good sense and I’m not going to explain it. If Matthews isn’t your God, you need to get right with the lord.
Connor Brown: Red Dragon
This won’t be the last lazy reference to one of the Leafs gingers.
Freddie Andersen: Strawberry Ice
See here’s another one. He’s got strawberry blonde hair and he plays on ice. This post writes itself.
Freddie Gauthier: Golden Goat
Yeah, at this point you should be realizing of these are pretty damn lazy, and you’re just scrolling down to see what your favourite Leaf is listed as.
Garret Sparks: Purple Voodoo
I don’t know about the purple part, but goaltenders are voodoo, and no one is more voodoo than Garret Sparks.
Igor Ozhiganov: White Russian
Did you know he’s Russian? And White?
Jake Gardiner: Jack Flash
Gardiner is fast, and if you have poor reading comprehension, Jack is practically Jake.
John Tavares: Blue Dream
Josh Leivo: Private Reserve
Private Reserve normally sits on the shelf and only comes out on rare occasions.
Justin Holl: Permafrost
Similarly, Justin Holl just seems to be chillin’ nonstop waiting for his chance to play.
Kasperi Kapanen: White Lightning
He’s very fast. He’s also very white.
Martin Marincin: Big Bud
Say what you will about Martin Marincin, but we can at least all agree of the fact that he’s very tall.
Mitch Marner: Purple Urkel
He seems like the biggest nerd on the team.
Morgan Rielly: Fucking Incredible
Yeah, this is super lazy selection, and it won’t be the last, but Morgan Rielly has been fucking incredible this year on a defensive unit that desperately needed him to be good.
Nazem Kadri: Jack the Ripper
With Komarov, Polak, and Martin gone, Kadri is the last criminal element left on the team.
Nikita Zaitsev: Chernobyl
One of them is a catastrophic Soviet disaster that will linger for years, the other is Chernobyl. (drink it in folks. this is as good as this post gets.)
Par Lindholm: Super Glue
Babcock loves his glue guys and that’s Par Lindholm.
Patrick Marleau: Great White Shark
Marleau checks the box for all three.
Ron Hainsey: Platinum OG
I don’t know how the platinum or the gangster part fit in really, but there is no doubt that Ron Hainsey is old.
Travis Dermott: Blue Sky
Listen, you go and try and find a strain of cannabis that describes Travis Dermott? I’ll wait. You see? It’s not easy. We’re going with Blue Sky because he’s young and the sky is the limit.
Tyler Ennis: Ewok
Tyler Ennis is short
William Nylander: Willy’s Wonder
Frankly I just wonder when Willy will sign.
Zack Hyman: Kosher Kush
Jewish ice hockey legend Zack Hyman.
There you go. That’s the list. I don’t feel good about this, you don’t feel good about this, and sponsors definitely don’t feel good about this. Now get out there and smoke da weed.