Leafs in Wonderland

It’s been a long time coming, but it’s finally here: The Toronto Maple Leafs are the 2013 Stanley Cup Champions!

The Leafs completed their four-game sweep of the Seattle Oilers in the Stanley Cup Final to take home hockey’s ultimate prize. Leafs GM Brian Burke had this to say about finally ending Toronto’s drought:

"I owe it all to the internet," Burke said. "I began searching through things like blogs and Twitter and they all had some really great ideas for how to make the team better. I looked at the trade proposals from the fans and trade rumor websites and thought "Gee, those are some swell ideas!’ and I just went out, made some moves, and we won. Easy as that."

Here is a look at Toronto’s Stanley Cup-winning roster.

Bobby Ryan         Steven Stamkos     Phil Kessel
Rick Nash             Brad Richards        Dustin Brown
Ryan Clowe         John Tavares         David Clarkson
Nazem Kadri       Jordan Staal           Cody Hodgson

Luke Schenn      Jeff Carter
Shea Weber        Dion Phaneuf
Jake Gardiner     Ryan Ellis

Josh Harding
Roberto Luongo

"You’ve really gotta appreciate all the hard work Burkie put into this team," said Conn Smythe-winning goaltender Josh Harding. "I couldn’t believe Minnesota would trade me for just a third round pick. I mean, my potential rating in NHL 12 was pretty sick, and I think I really became the goaltender fans hoped I would be."

"I always knew I would win the Cup in blue and white, I just thought it would be with Tampa Bay, "explained Steven Stamkos, who signed a 27-year offer sheet with the Leafs last summer. "Full credit to Twitter for really putting the pressure on management to get a deal done."

"This team’s so sick they’ve got me playing on the first defensive pairing for shits and gigs!" yelled an already kind of drunk Jeff Carter.

"Thank you Boston!" screamed Phil Kessel while dumping a full cannister of gasoline on a Tyler Seguin jersey. 

Even before Burke’s bold offseason transactions, the Leafs made a key leadership decision when they decided to make Luke Schenn captain.

"Well people always said he’d be the future captain of the team," said Leafs head coach Dallas Eakins. "Well we finally decided he was ready to take on that role, and surprisingly Dion was totally cool with giving up the C to him with no fuss whatsoever. What a gem, eh?"

"I’m gonna get the fattest championship ring ever! Get it? Fat?!" laughed a beaming Nazem Kadri while flipping off the media and eating a footlong sub.

This Cup victory did not come without adversity. Down 3-2 with under a minute to play in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Final, Bobby Ryan scored to tie up with just 6.7 seconds left. Then in overtime, Shea Weber blasted the series-winning goal literally through the goalie’s chest and in to defeat Quebec City.

The Leafs’ victory was also a special moment for Brendan Shannahan, who got to hand out the Stanley Cup for the first time as NHL Commissioner after fan pressure forced the NHL owners to fire Gary Bettman.

"They wrote some pretty scathing stuff," said one NHL owner. "A lot of people signed that online petition thingy so we had to act. I’m very happy for Brendan. So happy in fact that I’m giving everyone on my staff a 300% raise!"

Party it up, Toronto! You earned it!

Be sure to catch our coverage of the NHL draft where the Leafs have the first six picks somehow.

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