The First and Probably Last TLN Mock(ery) Draft

All NHL teams have draft tendencies, also known as “flaws”. That’s why Yakov Mironov and I got together to do our very own #exclusive mock draft, a vision of what the 2015 NHL Entry Draft would look like if every team showed their “tendencies” on the same day. 
Yakov and I were each randomly assigned 15 of the teams. Any trades that occurred had to be between a team that he had and a team that I had. 
What followed was an insane, hard to follow night that featured several trades. Oh and a bunch of picks that were either strange, bad, or both. 
There are no draft winners this year. Only losers. Each team gets an F-. 
Enjoy.

THE DRAFT BEGINS…

…AND WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE


Bobby: so yeah the first trade is 1st overall and Daryl Katz for 2nd overall and Terry Pegula

Yakov: Sabres will also include their local delicacy of hot wings in exchange for the Edmonton delicacy of tears between two pieces of white bread

DEAL COMPLETE

TO EDM
2nd overall
Terry Pegula
Hot wings

TO BUF
1st overall
Daryl Katz
Tears between two pieces of white bread
After the trade, Tim Murray took the stand:

I’m…not disappointed for our fans?

THE SABRES ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Sabres are pleased to announce that Edmonton can forever wallow in their sadness because we’re taking Connor McDavid.

THE OILERS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Terry Pegula takes the stand

With the 2nd overall pick, the Oilers are proud to select Jack Eichel.


Peter Chiarelli takes the stand

We are also proud to announce that we have traded Jack Eichel to the Los Angeles Kings for Mike Richards, Jordan Weal, and the rights to Justin Williams.

WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE…

TO LA
Jack Eichel
To EDM
Mike Richards
Jordan Weal

The rights to Justin Williams

THE COYOTES ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Toronto offers Phil Kessel and sharing our arena to sustain your franchise for 3rd overall.

The offer is DECLINED.

We thought long and hard about the offer presented by Toronto, but the Sudbury-Thunder Bay Coyotes are pleased to select “The Next Shane Doan” Lawson Crouse.

THE LEAFS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Montreal offers Alexei Emelin, PA Parenteau, and a 1st round pick for 4th overall….
But the Leafs do not have a GM to pick up Bergevin’s phone call!



Leafs take Mathew Barzal.

THE HURRICANES ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The New York Rangers offer Marc Staal for 5th overall.

Yakov: You have to take Semin.
Bobby: Deal.
DEAL COMPLETE: 
To CAR
Marc Staal
To NYR
Alex Semin
5th Overall

The trade is “this big”

Wait, it’s a three-way trade?

To TOR: 
Alex Semin
5th Overall
To NYR
Phil Kessel

THE LEAFS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Toronto takes Dylan Strome.
Bobby: Can’t believe the Leafs took a 3rd line centre at 5th overall but it’s pretty typical.

Yakov: They took him after Nicholas Roy told them he wouldn’t report if selected.

Bobby: and after Kyle Dubas disappeared for a few minutes, came back, and Brandon Carlo was mysteriously found murdered.

THE DEVILS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE!



Up next, the New Jersey Devils…who trade 6th overall to Pittsburgh as compensation for stealing all of their front office personnel. 
The NHL awards them the 30th overall pick as compensation for their generosity, and Ilya Kovalchuk is reinstated.

DEAL COMPLETE: 

To PIT
6th overall
To NJ
30th overall
Ilya Kovalchuk
Ray Shero
That AHL Coach

“Wow, what a crazy start to this draft. I have had none of these scoops today. How did I ever win this award? I miss you Dave.”

THE PENS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

With the 6th overall pick, the Pittsburgh Penguins make the first smart move of Rutherford’s tenure, and select Mitch Marner.
Mitch Marner is instantly awarded the Rocket Richard trophy.
We now go live to Chris Kunitz for reaction.

THE FLYERA ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Flyers are finally going to do the smart thing and address their defense. As such the Flyers select the corpse of Brandon Carlo.

“He’s the next Chris Pronger.”

THE BLUE JACKETS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

First off, The Blue Jackets would like to thank Florida for their hospitality. lol jk it’s a garbage dump down here. Even Ohio is better than this. We’d like to select Ivan Provorov. (Ivan Provorov instantly needs shoulder surgery). We’re also forcing Kerby Rychel to re-enter the draft because we’re dying to trade him.

THE SHARKS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Making our pick is new captain, John Scott/Matt Cooke. John Scott/Matt Cooke happy to pick tall Finnish guy.

THE AVALANCHE ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Colorado is proud to select Lawson Crouse. Oh, I see that he was taken already. I couldn’t hear the selection because of the Cup rings in my ears. Okay we will take the other big guy that didn’t score enough to warrant a high pick. The Czech one.

THE PANTHERS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

*Panthers take the stage.*
*Crowd loudly cheers – as loud as 7 people can cheer.*
Making our pick will be leaders Dave Bolland and Shawn Thornton. We are proud to select another leader that we will massively overpay to play in our bottom 6 in the future, Nicolas Roy.
*Roberto Luongo and Aaron Ekblad demand trades.*

THE STARS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Given our town’s love of American snipers the Dallas Stars are pleased to select Kyle Connor.

THE KINGS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The L.A. Kings are pleased to select Gary Smith from Milan of the Italian Elite League who is no way Slava Voynov wearing a fake mustache and a monocle.
gary_smith

THE BRUINS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Boston Bruins are proud to select The Next Next Next Milan Lucic, Paul Bittner.

THE FLAMES ARE ON THE CLOCK…

*Brian Burke punches fist through draft table and restrained from choking Don Sweeney*
*Brad Treliving runs to the podium*
With Brian Burke restrained, the Flames are happy to make a sensible pick and proudly take Travis Konecny.

THE OILERS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

With the 16th pick, the Oilers are proud to select Thom Timas. Who may look like a 40 year old Libertarian goaltender, but is definitely not in fact that. Also, no one tell him that Edmonton is in Canada. 

THE JETS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

Since the Winnipeg Jets are only aware of one junior team, we are pleased to select from the Barrie Colts, Mackenzie Blackwood.

THE SENATORS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Ottawa Senators are proud to select Ilya Samsonov, and even prouder to continue to confuse everyone with what the hell we are doing with our goaltending situation.

THE RED WINGS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

With the 19th overall pick, the Detroit Red Wings are proud to select Yevgeni Svechnikov. Because the last time we took a big, skilled winger from the Q, we definitely didn’t sour on him way too soon and trade him for Dion Phaneuf.

THE WILD ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Minnesota Wild proudly waste their pick on Minnesota’s Mr. Hockey 2015 Jake Jaremko
The NHL would like to announce that this pick is so shameful we have cancelled Minnesota’s outdoor game and will give it to San Jose because viewers aren’t at all tired of seeing outdoor hockey in California

WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE!

The Sabres have traded 21st overall and a $500 gift card to the Walden Galleria to Toronto for Jonathan Bernier.

bernier_kid

THE LEAFS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Leafs accept this trade and pick Colin White because we wished we had taken Dylan Larkin last year according to Steve Simmons and Colin White is the closest thing left in this draft to Dylan Larkin.

THE CAPS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

With the 22nd overall pick, the Washington Capitals select “Denis Guryanov“. Which is definitely not an alias for another Russian spy we are adding to our hockey team that is definitely a hockey team and not an undercover spy ring. Oh and PS we are also changing our name to the Red Dawn, and we have successfully seized your capital.

THE CANUCKS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

First off, the Vancouver Canucks would like to say how disappointed we are that our top targets have been stolen from us so far. Brandon Carlo, Nicholas Roy, Paul Bittner. We don’t want to say our next pick is our 4th choice…but he is. We’d like to introduce team spokesman Luca Sbisa to make our pick.

Hi, I’m Luca Sbisa. We are picking Ryan Gropp

THE LEAFS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Toronto Maple Leafs are pleased to select Noah Hanifin who we’ve been hiding under the stage since pick 3.

THE JETS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Winnipeg Jets are pleased to select from the Barrie Colts Rasmus Andersson.

THE HABS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Canadiens were going to select Anthony Beauvillier, but the name Anthony doesn’t sit well with us. We proudly select Guillaume Brisebois.
*dumps gravy and cheese on him instead of handing him a jersey*

THE DUCKS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Ducks are proud to select Brock Boeser who sounds like a guest star from Laguna Beach.
brock_boeser

THE LIGHTNING ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Lightning are proud to select literally anyone because they’ll pan out into a good player.
*writes down every draft eligible player’s name on a piece of paper and puts them into a hat*


*shuffles around*
okay we select…Martins Dzierkals.

THE FLYERS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Flyers are finally embracing what our defense is, and proudly select Ryan Pilon so you can all bask in your wonderful pylon jokes.

“He’s the next Chris Pronger.”

THE DEVILS ARE ON THE CLOCK…

The Devils are please to select with this stolen pick a player that will make you curse us even more, Zach Werenski.

THE COYOTES ARE ON THE CLOCK…

And with the final pick of the first round, the Arizona Coyotes are proud to select Anthony Beauvillier, contingent on him giving the rest of the team French lessons just in case.
Gary Bettman rushes the mic

“We are committed to keeping the Coyotes in Arizona.”

*Drops mic*

*The Coyotes are relocated.*

This concludes the first round.