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5 Vegas Shrimp Cocktails I’d Rather Eat Than Have Luca Sbisa On My Top D Pairing

Don’t look now but the Vegas Golden Knights are playing Luca Sbisa 20 minutes a night. A fun fact about Luca Sbisa is that he’s an absolutely terrible NHL defenseman. You know what else is terrible, a $.99 Shrimp Cocktail. When it comes to shrimp cocktail, you get what you pay for, but when it comes to Luca Sbisa, $3,600,000 gets you nothing more than a pit of despair on skates. With that in mind, here are Vegas shrimp cocktails that are more appealing than Luca Sbisa.

1. 

Wow, look at that shitty shrimp cocktail. They used about 20 cents of crackers, 20 cents of lemon, and maybe a dime’s worth of shrimp. I’m also pretty sure that’s ketchup and not seafood sauce. As bad as that is, it’s nothing compared to Luca Sbisa’s shooting percentage being 0.0%. I mean, he’s Luca Sbisa and you don’t expect him to score, but we’re just getting started.

2. 

JFC, look at that thing? And a plastic fork? That doesn’t even look like shrimp, it looks like someone had a nosebleed on top of a cup of rice krispies. Still, would you rather eat that or have Luca Sbisa averaging almost three minutes a night on your penalty kill? I’d eat the damn fork to avoid that fate.

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3. 

This shrimp cocktail might not be as bad as the previous ones since the styrofoam will probably mask some of the flavour. It still looks like a “DON’T” slide from a food handling course. As disgusting as it is, it’s not as disgusting as Luca Sbisa’s team worst Corsi For % of 42.96. I’d hope that disgusting table lime would dull the flavour because I’d still rather eat this than have Luca Sbisa on my team.

4. 

This is just damned sad. It missed on the cocktail, it looks like it missed on the edible, and somehow the iceberg lettuce looks even worse. This shrimp cocktail is a lot like how Luca Sbisa makes his teammates look and that is consistently worse than they are, as every single Golden Knight except for Jason Garrison has a higher CF% when they play away from Luca Sbisa. The generous serving of red goo would hopefully save me from this vile plate as I consume it to avoid having Luca Sbisa play hockey.

5. 

This one is all about volume, and getting a whole bunch of shit you don’t really need. It looks straight up painful. Similarly, Luca Sbisa leads the Vegas Golden Knights in blocked shots, and certainly proves that a whole lot of something is probably the worst thing for you. I’d try to quack this shitty shrimp back like a Duck, while thinking about how awful Luca Sbisa was when he was a duck.

I guess the lesson here is that as bad as food poisoning is, it’s no match for the constant pain and suffering that goes along with having Luca Sbisa on your team. A pain made worse by the fact that the Golden Knights willingly acquired him without the Canucks bribing Vegas into taking him. A pain made worse by the fact that Sbisa inexplicably plays 20 minutes a night.

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Luckily we don’t have to choose between vile food and vile defense (although maybe it’s time to compare Roman Polak to microwaved hot dogs) and the Leafs should have a good opportunity to capitalize off of a terrible defenseman playing a lot of hockey in front of a fourth string goaltender.


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