Filthy Stats: A New Way to Measure Success

According to Peter Horachek, “The Leafs Give a Shit Meter
needs to be higher.” 

While as a proud member of Tank Nation I couldn’t disagree more.
I thought I would take a look at what the “give a shit” score was for the Leafs
in last night’s game. Once again, I am only happy to provide you with thefanciest of stats in this deep analysis.

Before we defining the Give-a-Shit Meter, we need to look at
what it does not measure. The Give-a-Shit meter is a team statistic, and
captures the combined effort of the squad in a given game. Since it is a team
statistic it varies significantly from The Fucks Given Index, which measures
appropriateness of pregame attire, anthem listening intensity, and post game
media availability.

The Give-a-Shit Meter awards points in six key areas.

1. Firsts: Did your team score first? Throw the
first big hit? Start a fight in the first 5 minutes of the game?  All of these are good for one shit.

2. Sticking up for teammates: All instigator and
roughing penalties are good for one shit.

3. Needing a spark: Did someone drop the gloves if
you were down by two more goals? That’s good shit.

4. Stars doing the little things: Did your top line
combine to block more than 5 shots? Did they combine for more than 10 hits? If
not, tough shit.

5. Did they look like they were having fun out
there? If people on the bench look upset or disinterested, they probably
stopped trying. No shits are being given.

6. Goals from unlikely sources. These are goals
from anyone who wasn’t on the power play. This is really good shit.

There are three zones you can fall in on the Give-a-Shit
meter.

-What is this, piss? It’s barely shit at all. You’re not
even trying!

-Maintaining Regularity. 
This is the kind of shit you’d expect night in and night out.

-Binging on Taco Bell after drinking a pot of coffee. This
shit is unsustainable, but tonight the bowl runneth over. Good effort, good job.

Wow. That’s disappointing. If it wasn’t for Robidas and
Winnik scoring it’s hard to imagine the Leafs gave two shits at all. While I’m
happy the Leafs lost, clearly this is a dangerously low level of shit giving. I
mean, no fights, no roughing penalties, and that bench was so disinterested.

Clearly Peter Horachek has correctly diagnosed the problem,
but now the question is whether or not he has the remedy for the Leafs
constipation.