Leafs Wanted: Dead or Alive

Ladies and Gentlemen I come to you today with the rational assertion that the sky is, in fact, falling. The Leafs have now played two games in a row where they haven’t won. The reasons for this are straightforward and obvious and so I’ll walk you through them as a sign of courtesy as you most likely are already well aware of them. These people are wanted for their crimes against our playoff march.

Last seen: Not scoring last night, what a jerk

If Phil Kessel would just suck it up and score a playoff clinching goal already the Leafs could rest easy making it into the post-season. It’s so simple I can’t believe this five million dollar slacker hasn’t just done it already. What are we paying him for anyways? This guy should have scored this year’s playoff clinching goal back in September and started work on his Cup clinching goal in November.

Last Seen: Couldn’t be found on Sunday morning, likely out slacking somewhere

The most ridiculous thing about this team is how many people are judging James Reimer on useless stats like save percentage. Has a save percentage ever won a game? No. James Reimer hasn’t scored a single goal this year. Aren’t great players supposed to rise to the occasion and take games over singlehandedly?

Last seen: Jumbotron, ACC

Unlike hero to the people Leafsman, I’ve seen Carlton before plenty of games the Leafs lost. He doesn’t have Leafsman’s mojo, intangibles or sticktuitiveness. Carlton is a bear and should be considered dangerous.

Last seen: Buffalo, NY

Where has this guy been for the past three weeks? Honestly I haven’t even heard his name mentioned during a game and looking at his stats he has zero points. If the Leafs want to make the playoffs they’ll need the contributions of All Stars like Tomas Kaberle. This invisibility act won’t help.

Last seen: bottom of Lake Michigan

We don’t have a polarizing scapegoat to blame our problems on now that JFJ has been gone for years. Steve Bartman has been ruining the fortunes of teams with great histories for years and he hasn’t done anything for us. I ask, simply, why not? Shouldn’t everyone be expected to pull their weight to help the Leafs?

We’ve got our work cut out Barilkosphere Readers. Let’s round up some criminals and get this team back on track.