Maple Leafs Job Fair- Mike Babcock’s resume

8 years ago

Once we
started this series it seemed inevitable that we would come across Mike Babcock’s résumé. He’s the biggest name out there,
and will likely test the waters with every willing organization to see if he’s
a fit. In his media availability, he outlined some of what he’s looking for in
his next gig (or possibly continued gig with Detroit).

Although he stated it’s
not about money, it’s always a bit about money.

Although he’s not looking to GM, find me a coach with his record who doesn’t want some say on the roster.

And he
wants a happy wife, so you can immediately rule out Babcock coaching in
Edmonton.

Mike
Babcock

As a
McGill man, I value culture and being around learned individuals. I would
prefer to coach in a city that doesn’t protest new libraries and has
a star player who can pass an open book boating exam.

Oh
yeah, and I gotsta git paid.

Work
Experience

Head
Coach of Detroit Redwings (2005-Present)

I won a
Stanley Cup, went to another on the strength of players drafted in the late
rounds, so I am very excited to work with Connor Brown and Andreas Johnson
instead of an entitled first overall picks. There’s a time and place for those
guys and it’s called the Olympics.

Head
Coach of the Canadian Men’s Hockey Team (2010, 2014)

Every
four years Bob Nicholson, Kevin Lowe, and Peter Chiarelli start looking for
someone who is willing to donate their vacation time, fly to some gordawful
corner of the Earth like Sochi or Vancouver and so 23 millionaires can walk
away with gold medals while I just get a case of the Trotskys that had me on
Imodium for the next two months. Anyone who thinks I want to hear from them
again is a damned fool. However, I was able to miraculously coach the uncoachable
Sidney Crosby to two championships.

Head
Coach of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (2002-2004)

I
established a turnkey system that even Randy Carlyle couldn’t undo in his first
few years as head coach. I went to the Stanley Cup, but lost because I didn’t
have Niklas Lidstrom on my team yet.

Achievements

Has
more coaching wins as a Red Wing than Jack Adams, so surely I’m the greatest
coach of all time
I’ve been nominated for a Jack Adams twice, so I’m sure you’ll trust me that I
won both times (please don’t verify that in anyway)
The only coach who is member of the IIHF Triple Gold Club (Stanley Cup, World
Championship, World Juniors)
Split the atom, Cured polio, and invented sliced bread
Time Magazine Person of the Year 2006

Personal
Interests

Not coaching in a building shaped like ejaculate
As part of my interest in sports psychology, I would be excited to study the
effects of prolonged exposure to Toronto Sports Media
I hate malls, especially large ones.

Hiring Manager’s
Notes

A couple of years ago I would have
been the first to point out that Team Canada rosters, and team with Datsyuk,
Zetterberg, and Lidstrom are a poor way to assess if someone is a stellar
coach, but a funny thing happened. Lidstrom retired, Datsyuk and Zetterberg
left their prime and Detroit keeps on winning. It shouldn’t have taken that for
me to realize how great Babcock is, but I’m certainly a stubborn contrarian at
times.

The bigger problem with
Babcock is that he is overqualified for what the Leafs need right now. Assuming he’s interested in
taking on a rebuild (honestly I don’t know why he would be) he may get a little
too much too soon out of the lineup and prevent the drafting of elite talent.
He may also encourage the MLSE board that instead of building through internal
growth, that the salvation they seek is through free agents like Chris Stewart,
Paul Martin, and whatever other gordforsaken players are available this summer.

While Babcock is too
good to pass up and requires to every team to do their due diligence on him,
the Leafs and Babcock would still need to commit to this being a lengthy
process of gradual improvements. We want to be the Detroit Red Wings 1995-2009,
not the Detroit Red Wings 2010-2015.

Also, we have to pay to play.