The Leafs Will Win The Cup, And It’s All Thanks to Beards

5 years ago

For those that aren’t subscribed to the text message service “Beard Facts” like I am, recently it was made clear that Kyle Dubas has no policy against beards.

You might be saying to yourself, “…….duh? What kind of person has a policy against beards?” Well, the answer to that question is whatever kind of person Lou Lamiorello is. If you didn’t know, former Leafs general manager and resident mafioso had an actual, real policy against facial hair, except for playoff beards.

This begs the question: what kind of person is Lou Lamiorello? Well he’s the kind of person that would implement this childish, petulant, dick-swinging BS policy so… probably not the same kind of person I am.

But, we can rejoice now, because the greatest GM in Leafs history has lifted the policy.

The full quote from Dubas is as follows:

*sexy laughter* Yeah, it’s interesting. I realize the implications of it, and I certainly respect why Lou, you know, those were the rules in New Jersey, they’ll be the rules with the Islanders as well. I have a bit of a variation in my belief (read: I disagree with that rule) that these players, if we go to what everyone wants to be, our ultimate destination in time, year in and year out, (read: if we make the playoffs every year) we’re asking for 9 months of their lives, we’re asking for them for 9 months and I think when you ask somebody to commit that amount of time, it’s not just them it’s their family, so I want the players to be at their best, whatever their individual best may be, and I think part of that is letting them really express themselves, in a professional manner, but to try to be themselves as best they can.

What does this mean for the 2018-19 Toronto Maple Leafs? Well, it means that they’ll win the Stanley Cup.

According to this research paper from peer-reviewed science journal Lifehacks, these are 10 cool and healthy reasons to grow a beard:

1. Blocks UV Rays

“Extensive scientific research has shown that thick beards are capable of blocking out 95 percent of the UV rays from the sun.”

o maybe Joffrey Lupul is less likely to get skin cancer after spending all that time in the Carribean Islands partying.

2. Shaving Gives You Acne

“If you have a beard, then the chances are very strong that you have smooth skin under that facial hair. According to ThoughtCatalog.com, shaving your face helps to spread the bacteria that causes acne.”

This means that none of the Leafs have to look like Rasmus Dahlin.

3. Perception Is Everything

“In one study, eight men purposefully has their beards shaved off and then grew them back. There were pictures taken at each stage of new beard growth to give a catalog of the progress.

When the men had fully regrown their beards, the researchers brought together 64 men and 64 women to analyze the progress pictures and get their opinions. The research showed that as the men’s beards grew in fuller, the opinion that the 128 people in the group had of each man was perceived to be more positive. Each man was rated as appearing to be more mature, attractive, and healthy as their beards became fuller.”

This can serve to increase the trade value of all of the members of the Leafs, allowing Kyle to pwn the other GMs in trades.

4. Build That Confidence

“According to Jebiga.com, a beard gives a man a sense of power and confidence that is readily evident to everyone around him. Therefore, making the decision to grow a beard is a way for a man to set a higher standard for his life and become more successful.”

Bearded Leafs will be so confident that no strength of opponent could possibly intimidate them.

5. A Natural Filter

“Men who grow a moustache enjoy the benefits of having microscopic allergens kept out of their noses and, as a result, the reduction of the effects of conditions such as hay fever and other allergies. With a beard, that filtering protection is taken to a whole new level. In fact, a beard will help keep those same allergens and airborne bacteria out of your mouth, which will lead to overall better health. When you combine a beard with a moustache, you get twofold protection that a clear-faced male cannot get. Of course, you do need to take steps to clean and maintain your facial hair filter, and beard oil is one of the most popular grooming methods for men who grow beards.”

The Leafs players are going to be less likely to contract viral illnesses, so they’ll likely all compete for the Iron Man records for the next decade or so.

6. Fountain Of Youth

“A beard can actually function as a fountain of youth because of all of the protection it offers. Since facial hair keeps your skin clear of cancerous blemishes and having a beard means you reduce the amount of acne and discoloration on your skin, your skin will stay healthy for longer. The ability of a beard and moustache to keep allergens out of your system will also improve your overall health. In this way, beards work to keep you not only looking younger but feeling younger as well.”

Unfortunately for Mitch Marner, a beard won’t actually help him look like an adult, it may actually make him deceptively young and confuse the opponents. ‘How are the Leafs playing a 14 year old bearded child? And how is that 14 year old bearded child scoring hat tricks against us?’, I am sure they will say.

7. Fewer Wrinkles

“Another side-effect of having less exposure to the sun is that you get less wrinkles. While the option to protect the face from wrinkles by using a beard is not open to everyone, those who do have the opportunity to take advantage of this beauty benefit should get on board and start growing their beards right now.”

Good news for the Leafs’ veterans!

8. Helps Lessen The Possibility Of Gum Disease

“When your beard and moustache help to keep airborne bacteria out of your mouth, they are also working together to reduce your chances of getting gum disease. It should be noted that you still need to brush your teeth to do the lion’s share of protection against gum disease, but beards offer that little bit of extra protection that other people simply do not have.”

Well, hockey players are losing teeth all the time so I’m sure preventing gum disease isn’t on their mind so much, but this is still good I think.

9. Keeps Your Skin Moist

“Shaving opens up the pores in your skin and can also cause cuts on your face that will dry out your skin over time. In the summer and winter, exposed pores create a situation where your skin loses it moisture and can start to flake. When you have a beard, you avoid all of these issues and keep your skin nice and healthy.”

I can see it now, Lou Lamiorello’s Islanders are trying to defend, and then one of the players has to scratch his itchy, dry face, and then their defense opens up like swiss cheese as it did all last year. Not so for the Leafs, who will have, keen, bearded focus throughout the entire game.

10. Prevents Other Bacterial Infections

“When you have a beard, the pores in your skin are naturally protected against any bacteria that may try to get in and cause an infection. Bacteria can come from a variety of sources and has the potential to become extremely dangerous if it has a portal to gain access to your skin. Shaving opens up those portals and allows all of that bacteria to come pouring in. When you have a beard, those portals are closed.”

Surely this decision was influenced by the Leafs’ medical team, seeing how much infection can be prevented just by having a beard.

As you can see, these 10 benefits will undoubtedly lead the Leafs to a Stanley Cup victory. Think of how good they were last year and then multiply that by, like, 1,000,000 and then add John Tavares. Pretty good right?

Big thanks to Active Stick @oak_leafs for the hilarious header image.

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