Guest post by Tyler Brozak (@brozie42)
In about an hour and a half, Team Canada faces the United States in the Men’s Hockey Semi Finals. A lot of people are scared about this game, because my linemates are tearing it up for the Americans. It’s a good thing to see them succeed, because we’re a few months away from them assisting on my 16 consecutive game winning goals to win the Stanley Cup, but today? Rest assured, they’ll be of no problem. I’ve made five precautions to make sure this game is in the bag.
5. I had van Riemsdyk’s helmet tampered with. I don’t know if you’ve seen the kid in person, but his head is huge. Like, the reason all these hat companies are selling snapbacks again is because they didn’t want to bother with making him a size 9 1/2 and decided to let him take care of the work. Screws have been loosened and glue has been melted, so at some point in the second period, this thing will just fall apart into a state of disrepair, with no suitable replacements in the country.
4. I changed up the catering menu. The guy in charge of USA’s food used to go to University of Denver with me, so I called in a favour in exchange for the time I wrote his final assignment (it was about defining moments in local history, and I wrote it about my last hat trick). Sixteen boxes of chocolate chip cookies have been left for Phil to scarf down. Joe Pavelski’s protein shake has been filled with laxatives. Patrick Kane’s mickey of vodka is actually just a bottle of water.
3. Speaking of Kane, I sent him some texts. Specifically, I forwarded a bunch of texts between Phil and I to him. He’s been gushing about our #81 a lot, and I don’t know if he’ll appreciate the fact that he makes cab driver and threesomes with two fives jokes twice a week.
2. I reminded PK Subban about this classless act of spite by a certain somebody:
..wait, they’re still benching him? Are you kidding me? Okay, let’s try again.
2. I called Jonathan Quick fourteen times last night. He got progressively annoyed, and I’m pretty sure the last response was just primal screaming, but each time I would tell him that I mixed his number up with Ben Scrivens’, that it was still pretty early in California, and try to convince him that Ben’s trade to Edmonton was a figment of his imagination. Hopefully he’s restless and plays like regular season Quick instead of playoff Quick.
1. Last but certainly not least, I’ve made the move that everybody’s been hoping for. I turned Chris Kunitz into local authorities claiming that he was the ref who disallowed the Russian goal against the Americans, and will be wearing his jersey today. I know all of Phil’s and James’ weak spots and my shooting percentage this year is probably higher than every Canadian forward’s combined in this tournament.
At the end of the day, the Maple Leaf that we wear on our chests in Toronto is very important and dear to our egos, fans, and paycheques, but this is a matter of national pride. Phil and James are my co-workers and my friends. But today? Screw em. I’m going to make sure that they, and the rest of their stupid temporary teammates have the worst game of their lives. Go Canada.