Hey sports fans,

After a fun handful of games where Roman Polak hung out in the press box and didn’t play hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs, the hulking (and also bad) defenseman looks poised to slot in for a fifth straight game on Wednesday when the Leafs host the Calgary Flames at the ACC.

When asked about the decision, Mike Babcock had this to say:

We get it. Mike Babcock, for some unfathomable reason, is simultaneously not a fan of Connor Carrick and also a big fan of Roman Polak. So, assuming Carrick is a no-go from Babs’ perspective, I figured we should look elsewhere, and try and find some ideal candidates for the Leafs’ 6th D position. Here are 6 Television characters who would be an upgrade over Roman Polak:

If you’re looking for someone to bring a hard-hitting game night in and night out, look no further than Dunder Mifflin Scranton’s regional manager, Michael Scott. Scouting reports liken Scott’s strong physical game and hatred of his opponents to Winnipeg’s Dustin Byfuglien. The Leafs would be wise to call up the Pittsburgh Penguins and see if they can’t figure out a package to snag Scott off of the Wilkes Barre/Scranton roster with a decently small package going the other way.

If you’re looking for someone to bring hockey smarts to your team and is also even more eloquently spoken than Connor Carrick, look no further than Ricky. Sure, he’s not the best at thinking clearly and explaining things, but nobody’s perfect. Case in point: Mike Babcock thinks that Roman Polak is an NHL defenseman. I’d give him a call and test the waters, at the very least.

Sure, the current Leafs team already boasts guys like Connor Brown and Mitch Marner who grew up as Leafs fans, but we’re pretty sure that this guy literally bleeds blue. Plus, he can bring people back to life, and that’s just badass. Worried the injury bug might bite the team down the stretch? Signing Bran The Night King sooner rather than later might be a wise decision.

Let’s get straight to the point – this guy is 8 feet tall every time he steps on the ice. That’s basically Mike Babcock’s fantasy right there. I’m a big fan of him too, considering his reaction above is also my reaction every time I see that Roman Polak is playing hockey and Connor Carrick is sitting in the press box. He’s a good pro, shows up on time, and is probably psychic, which are all probably good traits that bring more to the table than Roman Polak ever has in his NHL career.

In the 2017 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Roman Polak broke his leg in a very terrible way and has not been the same since. And that’s on top of the fact that he was already pretty bad. If you’re worried about the same happening again, Million Ants would definitely be an upgrade in the 6D position for the Leafs. Case in point: When Million Ants was injured in Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender, he lost only 400 ants, and his Queen quickly laid more, bringing him back to one million within a matter of seconds. Roman Polak was out for months, and had to sign a PTO this fall. I think that’s saying enough.

Not only did the Demagorgon make noted Habs fan Will Byers disappear, but this guy has definitely seen it all. In the Upside Down, it’s fairly likely the Leafs actually won Game 7 and are still toiling in mediocrity while Auston Matthews and the Columbus Blue Jackets are tearing up the NHL. So if you’re looking for a seriously seasoned veteran who knows how strange things could get, the Demagorgon is definitely your guy.

I mean, at least he was never *this* bad before.