Are You A Hockey Man?
By Jon Steitzer
5 years agoJust over a year ago, on April 27th, Mark Spector was reflecting on the Hall/Larsson trade and blessed us with this important line:
Conduct a poll of 200 hockey men, and it might be unanimous: Edmonton got what it needed in that deal, and giving up Hall was well worth it.
Now here we are almost a year to the date and we have Steve Simmons picking up where Spec left off in his reflection on Lou Lamoriello leaving and Kyle Dubas liking taking over...
And the earth will shift ever slightly, with Lamoriello moving out and Dubas likely moving in. He has been the chosen one since the Leafs hired him before Lamoriello ever came from New Jersey. Dubas came in with graphs and charts and computers and has developed nicely, I’m told, into a hockey man.
This got me thinking. How do we define a hockey man? What is a hockey man? Can anyone become a hockey man? The man part seems to be the easiest to address. In the grandest tradition of professional sports, we can safely exclude half the population from the conversation over a lack of penis. Sorry, this is apparently a black and white issue when it comes to hockey men. Hmm… black and white issue, I wonder if that is another line to be drawn on identifying who can be a hockey man? Well, we’ll have to do a deeper dive into those things later. For now we’ll try and quantify the hockey part.
For the hockey part we’ll need you to answer the next 50 yes or no questions. You’ll have to keep track because the quiz tool I was using kept on crashing, but based on the number of yes answers you’ll have your score as a hockey man.
Time to begin…
| I watch hockey |
| I watch hockey regularly |
| I have played hockey |
| I have played hockey in an organized league |
| I have played hockey in a rep league |
| I have a hockeyDb page |
| I can tell the names of everyone I played with or against who had a cup of coffee in the NHL |
| I ask people if they watch the games (unironically) |
| If they answered yes, did you ask them if they played the game? |
| When I played hockey I was a captain or alternate |
| The hockey I played was full contact |
| I’ve been in a hockey fight |
| I’ve been injured playing hockey |
| I finished my shift when I was hurt playing hockey |
| I played the next game after being hurt playing hockey |
| I’ve blocked a shot in beer league hockey |
| I’ve coached hockey |
| I’ve been thrown out of a game for arguing with a ref |
| The game I was thrown out of was a kids game |
| People can see that I hate to lose |
| All members of a team should have to answer questions after a loss |
| I have referred to myself as a scout |
| Others have referred to me as a scout |
| There is a team out there that would say I scouted for them |
| I have been employed by a hockey team (not including ticket taking or concessions) |
| I have consulted for a hockey team |
| I have sat at a draft table |
| I report about hockey |
| I have held credentials to report about hockey |
| I use my credentials to interview players |
| I use my credentials to report on what is happening at practice |
| I am in the PHWA |
| I have seen Slapshot |
| I love hockey so much I have even watched Goon 2 |
| I have used +/- in a hockey argument |
| I have questioned the validity of Corsi |
| I have stated that a stat does not tell the whole story |
| I have asked someone to measure heart |
| I have asked someone to measure leadership |
| I have asked someone to measure grit |
| I believe winning faceoffs are important |
| I have referred to a hockey player as a warrior, stud, or stallion |
| I believe a good defensemen hits and blocks shots |
| It is important to be classy |
| I place a high value on tradition |
| Experience is more important than new ideas |
| I don’t have Microsoft Excel on my computer as far as I know |
| There’s a right way to play hockey |
| I’m concerned that physical hockey is coming to an end |
| I can still say nice things about Patrick Kane |
Scoring
50: You’re overcompensating. No one can hockey this much except maybe Brian Burke.
40-49: You are a true hockey man. You’re either in the trenches with Ryan Rishaug or helping Dale Tallon ruin the Panthers.
30-39: You seem to be a hockey man, but possibly a hockey man who is trying to ruin hockey like Steve Yzerman.
20-29: There’s no doubt that you’ve been around hockey, but I’m not sure you’ve played the game. You’re probably are in the PHWA.
10-19: Put away the spreadsheet nerd.
0-9: You’ve found hockey through EA Sports and you’re the absolute worst.
40-49: You are a true hockey man. You’re either in the trenches with Ryan Rishaug or helping Dale Tallon ruin the Panthers.
30-39: You seem to be a hockey man, but possibly a hockey man who is trying to ruin hockey like Steve Yzerman.
20-29: There’s no doubt that you’ve been around hockey, but I’m not sure you’ve played the game. You’re probably are in the PHWA.
10-19: Put away the spreadsheet nerd.
0-9: You’ve found hockey through EA Sports and you’re the absolute worst.
So if you scored less than 30 on this, I think it’s time to give up being a hockey man. Or maybe you can go be a hockey man in Carolina. They seem like they just need warm bodies at this point.
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