ombudsman adresses rumor’s about cane’s d,

i ‘m a bit nervous addressing leave fan’s, cause even tho i count many among my best on-line friend’s, 1 time 1 of u went through and blocked all of my followers; a stain on a proud fan-base’s otherwise sterling reputation,

i have been asked 2 provide some background on the cane’s talented, young, and virile “d”, a subject that i am happy 2 discuss 4 day’s on end, as it is something i have longingly day-dreamed over 4 almost half a decade now,

according 2 some guy on tv, the cane’s and leaf’s r gonna trayed from their strong suit’s n a deal that is sure 2 improve both rosters, and it’s Actually happening this time, we swear, it make’s sense right, each has what the other team need’s, how has this not happened already, the cane’s have like 6 right shot defender’s and they don’t even deploy them properly,

i ‘m gonna approach this by listing the players toronto absolutely Doe’s Not Want, and end with ur guy, the 1, the person that answers all ur question’s, pushes canadas team over the top, no more 67 jokes i bet, not with this guy,

now, here’s a real scrub;

this guy didn’t even get selected until the 66th pick of a terrible draft, u rly want 2 take a flyer on a 3rd round pick?, he wasn’t even that good at the university of new hampshire, 1 of the least memorable state’s n the union;

55 point’s n 216 career game’s goes 2 show that the initial expectations 4 this guy (depth ahl defenseman) were spot on, n fact, the only reason this guy is n the nhl is because the checker’s might b the best hockey team n the world, moveing on,

we barely even know this person, but we r not 2 impressed;

he played on at least 5 team’s n 6 cities b4 he even made it 2 raleigh-durham, and the cane’s fanbase has quickly picked up on y that is; his shirt-less intermission interviews put his selfish me-1st attitude out there 4 the whole world 2 c, and his blatant disrespect of whalers legend creampie mackenzie is an literal albatross that can never b removed from this organizations proverbial neck;

this guy would rather ride a bike than do a bench press, and we won’t saddle ur lovely team with a negative value contract,

now, here’s the guy u have been waiting 4, bud’s fans,

this captain morgan lookin motherfucker is the difference; this player is The Piece, The Answer, the talisman this current group is lacking;

pair him with a defenseman that’s resoonsibe n there own end, and this guy will give u vision’s of robert svehla; put him on ur big PP unit, and watch that clapper turn n 2 a cheat code; introduce him 2 ur significant other, and prepare 2 b single;

justin “will” faulk “anything that walk’s” is the liveing and breathing minnesota lakehouse frat party ur team so desperately needs; this guy will introduce form’s of backward’s hat wearing that this group didn’t realize were possible; the smirk on his face after tough losses will keep them going, while the kegerator n his condo reminds them 2 slow it down every once n a while; what a team player,

my understanding is that this gang of maple boy’s spends time arguing over who should b captain, well guess what folk’s, this guy is experienced at being half a captain, who better 2 introduce this revelatory and objectively brilliant concept 2 the leagues flagship franchise?, no1, that’s who,

think about it this way: u will have team usas 1C *and* 1D the next time there’s a best on best tournament, and isn’t that every canadians dream?,

u won’t even miss kapanen when u c how good he look’s wearing his dads old jersey, truely a win-win,

thank’s,

Sent from my iPhone