TLN’s 10 Worst Leafs Items at Shop.NHL.com

8 years ago

The nice thing about the Leafs not playing for an entire week is we have an opportunity to run the kind of content that would even seem forced in the middle of August. I did it yesterday looking at Leafs hair cuts through the years and I’m doing it again today with products you definitely don’t want to buy from Shop.NHL.com

10. The Second Laziest T-Shirt Design

If you have $34 sitting around ($42 with shipping) you might want to consider getting a shirt with a generic hockey term and a small logo. Let the world know you’re so top shelf that overpay for shirts that would be disappointing if they came free in a case of beer.

And The Actual Laziest T-Shirt Design

OMG! It’s just like the thing they say at the game on the big screen, and it’s on a shirt, and it’s on the team logo. Thankfully I didn’t waste my $42 on the other shirt, because this one says what we are all thinking. If I wore the other one people might think that I’m top shelf, not the Leafs, this one lets people know I actually like the team. NHL, please take my money.

9. The NHL’s odd obsession with St. Patrick’s Day

There are many things in this world that bother me that probably shouldn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact that NHL’s need to push green versions of NHL gear every March doesn’t irk me. Maybe because I’m not Irish, maybe it’s because I’m really not sure what the NHL’s connection to Ireland is, maybe I just don’t want to look like I’m the DJ from House of Pain, but this will always seem stupid to me.

8. Relive the Regret 4eva

Oh boy, it’s that guy who the Leafs gave up picks for, made Nonis buy out Grabovski, and gave the Leafs the money to sign David Clarkson. Can I please buy his shirt so I can remember his 23 magical games as Leaf before he decided he was worth $5M x 5 years and thankfully the Leafs weren’t willing to match him on term? Shockingly there’s also still plenty of Clarkson merchandise still available too.

7. Weird, Expensive Boots

Admittedly I lack in knowledge of women’s fashion, but I standby the fact that no one should be a big enough fan of a sports team that they decide to drop $160 on team branded footwear.

That being said, these also look like someone just curb stomped a Smurf, and Chinese knockoff jerseys have been versions of the logo than these boots.

6. SPIRIT FINGERS!!!

In the context of being something adorable that my young daughter would love to wear since they are silly gloves, I get how these would make sense. In the reality that these gloves are in adult sizes only it leaves me disappointed that I’ve never had the privilege of seeing someone waving this idiotic things around after a goal.

5. Do They Know It’s Christmas?

When I think hockey I think high heels.

When I think Christmas I think high heels.

This ornament makes perfect sense.

4. Weird Garden Crap

Presumably there’s a point in everyone’s life when they decide if they are going to continue to be a functioning member of society or become one someone who just throws dumb shit in their yard that acts as a single to let neighbours know if they don’t see you for a few days to call the paramedics.

Clearly the NHL recognizes the diversity of the yard crap crowd as they’ve got something for the lawn ornament rebel, and something for the lawn ornamenteer with plenty of chill.

3. It’s the Pits

This is the crappy shirt that inspired the creation of this crappy list. What a dumb idea. Even the laziest Habs fan can now drop their “1967, LOL” shtick in favour of the much easier “LOL, the Leafs stink” comment. I don’t blame them. They make these for every team, so if you see anyone in these that joke is yours to use now. Also if you want to smack them with a sock full of quarters no one is gonna blame you for that either.

2. I Mustache Ask You to Stop

Nothing’s hotter than a woman with a mustache, right? RIGHT?

Dear Gord, why on earth are team branded mustache stickers a thing. Somewhere down the line when the free market ultimately fails, I hope it’s demise is announced by someone giving a speech a top a mountain of discarded team branded mustaches.

1. Not the Face

How will the NHL get people actually stay up and pay attention to Western Conference games? They’ll launch a product that makes sure you’ll never sleep again. For only $26 Canadian you can make sure that you’ll never have to interact with any one of your neighbours ever again. I would have loved to have been in the meeting where a bunch of jackasses were trying to decide what colour a tree’s nose and lips should be.

A Product that doesn’t suck…

(image from Babsocks.ca)

Thankfully there are good people who save hockey fans from the NHL, and the latest to do so are the good people of Babsocks. These are effin’ amazing and I’ve already ordered a couple of pairs. They are fun, have personality, and are basically everything the NHL store isn’t. Plus there’s the added bonus of keeping money out of the hands of billionaires.