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Postgame: Pathetic
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Mike Stephens
Jan 10, 2018, 23:38 ESTUpdated: Jan 10, 2018, 23:43 EST
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Tonight, the 29th place Ottawa Senators strolled into the ACC on the second half of a back-to-back, on the road, having just been pumped for 8 goals against less than 24 hours ago.
So, naturally, they beat the Leafs.
The English language has yet to produce the words capable of describing how pathetic that is. Let’s just get to the stupid game.

Corsis

Chart from Corsica.Hockey
The Leafs dominated the possession game and still lost. Life is full of disappointments. Welcome to the real world.

1st Period

It’s been well publicized that Travis Dermott was a healthy scratch tonight. Apparently, according to the dumbest tweet I have ever read, it was meant to keep him “hungry”.
First of all, that’s a legitimately embarrassing decision. Secondly, it just gets more embarrassing upon realizing he was scratched so Roman Polak could fart his way around the ice.
Imagine yourself as Dermott for a second. You’ve performed splendidly in your first two NHL games, and you’re now beginning to build momentum, only to then be healthy scratched.
Bummer, right?
So later, while sitting in the press box watching your team play without you, the player you were scratched for does this.
You literally cannot make this stuff up.
A few minutes following that embarrassment, Matt Duchene made a fool out of Jake Gardiner along the boards to set up Mike Hoffman for a tap-in. Just like that, it’s 2-0.
All you can really do is laugh.
I feel the need to reiterate something here. The Senators allowed 8 goals against LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO. And you’re letting them play you like this?
Ugh.

2nd Period

Andreas Borgman, one of Earth’s few remaining beacons of hope, blasts a shot from the point to pull the Leafs within one.
Suddenly, there’s hope. What a wonderful feeling! Can you imagine how good Borgman would be if he was paired with literally anyone else? 
And on the bright side, this game wasn’t all doom and gloom.
At least we got to watch former-Leaf Dion Phaneuf get dangled out of his jock by Zach Hyman. Zach Hyman! That’s like getting beaten in an arm wrestle by someone who doesn’t have arms.
Other than that, not much happened in the 2nd period. Like the Ottawa Senators as a franchise, it was both boring and a disappointment. The only difference is the period wouldn’t have threatened to relocate if I stopped watching it.

3rd Period

Less than a minute in, JVR ties the game at 2 by doing what he does best; potting one from the edge of the crease.
Has JVR ever scored a goal more than 3 feet out from the net? Who cares! I’m just dreaming about showering him with dollar bills this summer.
In my opinion, there hasn’t been enough Auston Matthews love lately.
Now, remember when Sens fans got all hot and bothered about the amount of Matthews media coverage because they genuinely thought Mark Stone was just as good? Call me crazy, but I don’t remember the last time Stone did anything like this.
And for one, blissful second I forgot I was talking about the Toronto Maple Leafs. So that’s what joy feels like? How silly of me.
If you didn’t immediately think “how are the Leafs going to blow this one?” when JVR tied it, then you haven’t been watching this team long enough. And lo and behold, they blew it!
Guess who forgot to “clear the net”?
Classic Roman!
Losing to a borderline-AHL squad must have really annoyed Morgan Rielly. Because, from that moment on, he proceeded to take it upon himself to drag his team back from the brink. Rielly’s efforts were later rewarded when he fired a wrister from the point that somehow snuck by Craig Anderson.
Suddenly, we have a tie game.
……aaaaaaaaand it’s gone.
The good news is that at some point, the sun will envelop the Earth, wiping out all traces of life on the planet. So, when you think about it, nothing – including this goal – really matters. We’ll all be dead.
Anyway, the Leafs ended up losing in the most self-inflicted fashion possible. Thankfully, we are now rewarded with a 6-day break from this stupid team. I wish it were longer.

Tweets: Roman Polak Edition

Less likely to score on his own net that way.
Leafs (Rogue) Nation. Get it? Because of the Mission Impossible movie? Ah, forget it.
PREPOSTOROUS
Huge, if true.
Enjoy your 6-day break, folks. After this one, we all need it.
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