You’re Brian Burke! Can Your Pokemon Team Get Through The Toronto City Gym And Get The Maple Leaf Badge?

6 years ago

You’re Brian Burke! In 2008, you left your job as GM of the Anaheim ~~Mighty~~ Ducks to be the best, like no one ever was. It’s now 2017, and today you’re being a bit of a baby because you’re upset that the current Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club is, frankly, miles better than anything that you ever iced during your tenure in Toronto.

So now, you’re back for revenge. You’ve returned to Toronto to challenge the city’s best in the Toronto City Gym, in hopes of battling your way to the top, toppling the new Gym Leader, and regaining the Maple Leaf Badge.

Let’s take a look at your team, shall we?

Burkie’s Build

That’s quite a team you’ve got there! Kicking off the lineup, we’ve got Leafs legend Garnet Exelby, a rugged veteran of 408 NHL games, with 7 whole goals to show for it. Next up, we’ve got Bobby’s offspring, Colton Orr. You were troubled by the state of the NHL when Orr was demoted to the AHL for being awful, so you’ve brought him back in search of revenge. Next up is Dion Phaneuf, your golden boy and captain. Rumor has it you lost four Pokemon trying to catch him. But here’s the real kicker — Keith Aulie followed him into your collection! Double win! Rounding out your team is noted Tries-Hard Hot Dog Boy, Phil “The Thrill” Kessel, and Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson.

Let’s get started!

Trainer #1: Mike Babcock

Your first opponent is current Leafs coach Mike Babcock and his Level 31 Roman Polak. It seems Babs neglected to let his Roman Polak evolve into a Radko Gudas at level 30, so he’s got quite the lackluster Pokemon on his hands.

You decide to counter with Jonas Gustavsson! Gustavsson uses his signature move, “Save”, but it missed! Roman Polak counters with “Slash”. At first, the attack appears to be going wide, but surprise! The Monster jumps in front of it, and he faints. Yikes. Not a good start!

You opt to bring out Garnet Exelby to try and clean this up. Exelby uses “Punch”, and it’s super effective! Roman Polak faints for the season (but he’ll get a PTO next year).

Mike Babcock elects not to use his next Pokemon, Josh Leivo, and flees instead. You win!

Trainer #2: Mark Hunter

Your second challenge is none other than Leafs Assistant GM Mark Hunter! Mark chooses his favorite Pokemon, fellow London Knight alum Mitchell Marner.

Mark Hunter’s Pokemon, allegedly a Level 20 despite looking like a Level 12, may seem like an easy matchup, but look at him go! Mitch Marner uses “Skate” as he zooms down the ice. Garnet Exelby tries to counter with “Punch”, but it misses! When Marner’s attack finally hits, he snipes top corner on you, and Garnet Exelby faints so hard that he’s out of the Pokemon League before the age of 30. Talk about embarrassing!

Luckily, you’ve got Dion Phaneuf to fall back on. Dion uses “Slapshot”, and for once it’s actually Super Effective. Tough luck for Mitch Marner, who faints as 49 million dollars rain down from the sky onto Dion.

But uh-oh, here comes Hunter’s Matt Martin, hungry for revenge! Luckily for Dion, he uses “Being Marginally Better”, and it’s just enough to squeak out a narrow victory.

You’ve won again! Onto the next round.

Trainer #3: TAG-TEAM! Kyle Dubas and his Computer

It’s tag team battle time!

In your biggest challenge yet, you’ve got to go up against Kyle Dubas, his actually-tied skinny tie, and his Computer. This should be interesting!

Kyle Dubas chooses noted belligerent, truculent and obnoxious boy Nazem Kadri to kick things off against your Dion Phaneuf. Kyle Dubas’ computer opts to go with a beautiful Level 21 William Nylander. Let the battle commence!

Dion uses “Slapshot”, but Kadri counters with “Not Getting Traded”. An unexpected move out of left field that Dion cannot possibly defend. It’s super effective, as Dion is shipped off to Ottawa, fainting on the plane.

Luckily for you, however, your real weapon is actually Keith Aulie. Keith uses “Being The Leafs’ Future”, but it’s not very effective. Nylander counters with the exact same move and dekes Keith Aulie out of his jock, causing him to faint.

This is getting ugly. Time for your secret weapon. You use your last “AHL” potion to send Nazem Kadri back to riding the buses with the Marlies, and bring out your Colton Orr. Orr uses “Dynamic Truculence”, and it’s super effective against noted Soft Boi William Nylander. Congratulations! You’re getting closer.

Trainer #4: Lou Lamoriello

In a battle of old versus new, it’s you versus current Leafs GM Lou Lamoriello!

Lou brings out the reanimated corpse of his Joffrey Lupul Pokemon. Joffrey uses “Crypitic Instagram Comment”, and it’s super effective. Colton Orr faints. However, Joffrey Lupul also spontaneously explodes into a million shards of glass. Both Pokemon are down!

Luckily for you, you’ve still got Phil The Thrill on your team! Lou attempts to bring out his second Pokemon, Ilya Kovalchuk, but upon realizing he can’t be brought back from the KHL, he flees immediately. Onto the Gym Leader you go!

Gym Leader: Brendan Shanahan

This is it. You’re so close, you can almost taste the sweet victory of reclaiming the Maple Leaf Badge! It’s you and your trusty Phil Kessel going up against Brendan Shanahan. May the best trainer win!

Naturally, you bring out your Phil Kessel. It’s his greatest test yet, but surely he’s up to the task. It took two Master Balls and an Ultra Ball to catch him, after all.

But wait — can it be? Brendan Shanahan brings out his Legendary Pokemon: Auston Matthews.

This is bad.

Before you can even move, Auston uses his special move “Big Three” to reanimate his buddies William Nylander and Mitch Marner. The Big Three combine powers and unleash their signature move “Successful Rebuild”, and reduce your Phil Kessel, along with your dreams of victory, to a puddle of tears on the floor of Burkie’s Doghouse.

So that’s that, then. You, Brian Burke, tried to be the best (like no one ever was), but unfortunately you fell just short, unable to match the might of Shanahan’s Legendary Auston Matthews and his band of merry Pokemon.

Oh well, back to Calgary it is for some more training at the Calgary City Gym. Hopefully you’ll be able to hone your skills before Calgary City needs a new Gym that they don’t want to pay for. Then you’ll be in serious trouble.

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